Getting to know myself from the inside out

I haven’t posted about my sitting practice much lately because it doesn’t seem like there’s been much to say.

I do my three Surya Namaskar A vinyasas. I sit. I set the timer for 30 minutes. I get settled comfortably in siddhasana (knees wide, heels in close, centered one in front of the other, soles facing up), lengthen up my spine and center my torso over my pelvis, center my head over my torso, tilt my forehead slightly down. Close my eyes.

The beginning chime goes off, and I take a full deep breath and exhale, and that’s my most powerful anchor for meditation, that first breath. My energy body opens and comes to the forefront of my attention. I focus on my head — sensations of my energy body, my crown chakra, my third eye chakra, amygdala energy pressing forward, my entire forehead tingling, and face, ears, scalp.

And then I sense my entire head as one. All sensation part of a single system.

Then I move to my neck and upper torso, feeling my open throat and heart chakras (or feeling them open if they aren’t already), and all sensation in my chest, upper back, neck, shoulders, arms, and hands.

And then my upper torso and energy centers as one system.

Same below the diaphragm. I feel the energy of my third, second, and first chakras, my belly moving with my breath, my weight on my sit bones, my lower back, sacrum, perineum, and down my legs through my feet.

And then my lower body and energy centers become parts of a whole. I am three wholes now.

Then I merge the parts into one living, breathing, constantly changing energy system.

This is whole body awareness.

I notice how my attention moves as I also hold my attention on the whole.

I realize that I have visualized a map of my body based on looking in the mirror. My skin is an edge, a boundary between me and not me, in the mirror.

In sitting with my eyes closed, with awareness of my whole body, I let go of that map and feel. Just where does my nervous system go? Are there areas where there is no sensation? Areas that feel strong? Is there subtlety? Yes.

My nervous system (aka awareness) extends as far as I can hear, to traffic in the distance, jets and helicopters making noise from the sky. (Maybe one day I will sit with my eyes open.)

I am getting to know myself from the inside out.

If you’ve been reading this blog for awhile, you know that it’s been a struggle to be able to do this. I’ve been finding my way.

And here I am. I’m doing it! It feels full. I sit with wonder in constantly changing fullness.

It rocks.

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