Tonight I was reflecting that one of the things that my sitting practice showed me is just how busy my mind was for all those many years before I began sitting and paying attention to my actual experience.
Constant activity, no stillness, no silence.
One of the great benefits to me of practicing sitting was having some contrast between my active mind and my silent mind.
By silent, I mean experiencing awareness with no internal dialogue.
What was/is that internal dialogue about? (Because I still experience it. I just know I have a choice now. Before, I didn’t.)
Usually the past or the future. Anxiety-based thoughts, what ifs, and I shouldas. Also a lot of judgment.
It was just such a blessed relief, through the practice of meditation, to learn experientially that I could take a break from all that and just be. Just be aware of the present moment — of sounds, thoughts, feelings, of the spaces in between, of the theater of awareness.
It does seem now that my practice of meditation and the self-awareness it brought me has been somewhat responsible for many of the changes in my life, from quitting my job to dreaming of possible new livelihoods, to honing in on what kind of work is satisfying to me, to deciding to downsize and simplify.
You can call it congruency or integrity or whatever you want. There’s a deep need to take action so that my external life matches who I am, which is ever changing.
What a lovely challenge it means now to be truly alive and engaged. There’s no holding back, no fear (well, not much), just doing and learning, and more doing and learning.