I want mercy, and I want it now!

Today I suffered during sitting.

I started normally enough, sitting in sukhasana in the dark. Started my body scan and quickly got distracted. When I realized it, I wondered how I could learn to scan my body without being distracted. Came up with tying awareness of body parts or chakras to breathing. That seems worth investigating.

I felt crabby. I realized after a bit that I was breathing through my mouth because my nasal passages were constricted.

Yuck. Mouth breathing! It’s a no-no in yoga, so I assume it is in meditation as well. I switched to nose breathing, but it wasn’t good.

I had a conversation with my chiropractor yesterday in which he said the healing value of meditation was getting out of the way.

Most of the time I believe something like this, except when I do not know how to get out of my own way. Then it’s screw the theories. Fuck it! I want mercy, and I want it now!

I tried a little mantra . “May I get out of my own way.” It did not resonate. “May I heal.” Better. “May I be well.” Even better.

Still, the fronts of my thighs ached. My sacrum felt weak. The constricted breathing really bugged me. I (gasp!) leaned back against the wall and stretched my legs out in front of me and wiggled them. I thought about giving up, calling it quits early.

From somewhere, I found some compassion.

I’m having a bout of cedar fever for the first time in years. I stayed home Monday and rested, and then I had a very long busy day yesterday. I worked today, not sick, but still full press work. I feel tired.

Then the bell went off.

I’m going to curl up and rest now.

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