I feel sad

Yesterday as I was nearing home after being away for the weekend, I experienced a state I’ll call “returning”. As I drove into my neighborhood, I suddenly became fully aware of having disconnected from my accustomed locations for a weekend.

I noticed a dance going on inside me between the strange and the familiar as I drove. It didn’t last very long. At first the commercial establishments on E. Cesar Chavez Street seemed nondescript, like they could be in any city, but very quickly I noticed an emotional lift, a connection, an attachment. This is my neighborhood, my turf, part of my world.

Nothing had changed in my neighborhood. It was me who had changed by going away and by returning, and by all the life that happened in between.

I wonder about all the countless times in my life that I have left and returned and did not notice this state the way I did yesterday.

My memories tell me that when I have returned, I have felt deep gratitude for the comfort of the familiar. I just never noticed that little dance before.

So. The retreat was wonderful. If you are interested in conscious dying, end-of-life decisions, home funerals, green burials, Texas law, how to prepare a body for viewing and burial, I recommend this workshop. Go to http://consciouslivingdying.com/for info.

In hindsight (hindfeeling?), it felt like a lovefest around the topic of dying. Each of those present contributed so much! Just by showing up, being who they were, sharing their experiences and personalities, feelings and thoughts, stories, even the Deadutantes! My circle has widened.

In my sitting, I have begun to converse with my pain. I feel it, and then I really feel it, even as it shifts. I ask it, “What are you about? To what do you want me to attend?”

At first the responses were about the difficulty of sitting still for 30 minutes. Yes, I know.

Then a bigger story about my body: You have persisted for 14 years at working on your body, discovering along the way that healing from that car wreck was complicated by previously existing scoliosis you had for decades. You have worked hard and found the right bodyworkers. After finally getting your spine aligned, now it’s down to the hips and adhesions. You have been cheerful as you moved, seekingly, from numbness to disorientation to pain and misalignment to more and more awareness. You received wonderful gifts along the way, like yoga and meeting healers and learning about anatomy and the body-mind.

This morning the pain’s story was simple. I feel sadness. I acknowledge it.

It’s been really hard.

I feel sad. And now, finally tears come.


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