Okay, so I’ve been rolling out of bed, doing three sun salutations to stretch and warm up, and then I sit.

It’s so early, my brain feels sluggish, which is actually a pleasant experience for li’l ole vata me. I’ve been enjoying these early morning sessions a lot.

The problem, it seems there’s not a lot to write about.

When I say “my brain feels sluggish,” I mean I’m not experiencing much internal dialogue, which is my usual vata experience. And from the words of internal dialogue, whether witnessing or chattering words, come material for this blog.

What I notice gets named and later blogged about.

So I just sit. I notice, but it’s not particularly interesting to verbalize. My attention stays fairly centered on my body. Sensations of parts, sensations of myself as bio-electricity, just kind of a meandering body-centered attention, with moments of brilliant presence.

Maybe this is what it feels like to be a kapha.

I’m remembering a phrase from Dogen’s Jijuyu Zammai: “the entire sky turns into enlightenment.”

Wow. That is going to happen sometime when I’m sitting. I don’t want to miss that, don’t see how I could possibly miss that! It’s motivating!

I just may have to manufacture something to write about.

Happy Buddha’s birthday-enlightenment day-parinirvana, whenever you recognize it.

It’s been a few days since I posted. I’ve been enjoying this a little break from the near-daily blogging. I usually like writing, but the sitting practice, the job, the sangha, the family and friends, the garden, shopping, eating, sleeping, relaxing, and other activities I do all take time.

I was doing too much. I have been feeling tired. I perceived something going on that I didn’t have words for.

These few days of silence have helped me realize that I’m undergoing a shift. I can’t quite put my finger on exactly what it is happening. Not yet. Sometimes it’s good to just be silent and let it be. Let it unfold.

Something, some thought, some realization, is moving toward awareness. I sense it. I feel it. I know it in my bones. I know it means change. I feel myself surrendering, preparing for it, not knowing what it is.

What is truly important? Job? House? No.

Truth is important.

I am being shaped by this practice. I am letting go of plans. I am letting go of who I thought I was, of what seemed to give me security.

This was a scary place to me, but now I see it’s inevitable, and all I can do is surrender and allow it to unfold and appreciate the process.

Trying to find words for it. It seems to be some kind of reclaiming of myself, or claiming myself, or releasing myself, freeing myself. Moving into the unknown.

I have several topics to address. First, I am feeling behind in this busy life — with taxes, gardening, housework, projects, plans — and also spring has sprung in Austin, Texas, USA. I desire to be outdoors enjoying it when I can, because it doesn’t last very long.

So I am not going to be blogging as often for a while.

Sitting daily for 3o minutes is still a very high priority. I will probably blog at least twice a week, maybe more if so moved, but not daily like I was doing for awhile.

Peg says that the practice of meditation tends to follow a pattern of breakthrough followed by a plateau as you integrate. I imagine you all probably like to read more about the breakthroughs and aren’t all that interested in the integration part. I’m the same way.

After awhile, integrating a breakthrough becomes harder to write about. You know it is still affecting your body-mind system. You sense that it’s still happening but at a subtler level, more sporadic. I figure it’s getting down into synapses and cells and molecules and atoms. Not much to say there.

~~~

Today I saw a new health care practitioner who works with energy. My internal jury is still out, giving a technique that’s brand new to me a fair chance, so I’m not going to say too much about it yet.

She shared some information with me that was alarming. About my energy. It seems possible that it could be true. Yet something about her communication with me rubbed me the wrong way, and I haven’t been able to put my finger on it until I began having this imaginary one-sided conversation (internal rant) that lets me know one of my buttons has been pushed:

You may think  you know all about my energy system, more than I do, and perhaps you’re right. But you don’t know me. I am not broken. I’ve made 57 circles around the sun so far, and that’s a lot of life.

If your words imply that I’m broken or that only you can fix me, I’m not sure I want to work with you. I don’t like being in that position. I’ve been getting along without you all these years. I allow you to help me. Respect that.

I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt because you’re young, someone I respect recommended you, it is possible that what you say is at least partly true, and I am curious whether what you do is effective.

Just please, don’t be a drama queen, okay? You freaking out makes me feel like a freak, and you know what? I don’t need it.

I go back in two weeks. If there’s anything more to write about this, I will!