I had a good visit with my teacher tonight. I sat for the first sitting, and when the bell rang to begin kinhin, she tapped me on the shoulder, and we went to the practice review room.
The form is to give your name and your current practice instruction. Mary Ann Reynolds, whole body awareness.
I talked about how my realization that everything is awareness is continuing to unfold.
It seems to be a big shift that changes everything because it changes the way I relate to everything. It seems to have softened my relationship with everything, including myself. I’ve become more aware of my awareness, and there are more moments when I am deeply present.
When the realization first began arising, I wanted to stuff it back down. I had a hunch that it was profound enough to mean real change, and part of me felt unsure and scared about that. Even then I knew that strategy probably wasn’t going to work.
The truth persisted in revealing itself. “Everything is awareness” is the best way I know of to put it into words, but it is so much more than words. It is an embodied realization. It feels like poetry.
Sometimes it seems so painfully obvious — that truth was always there, so why didn’t I realize it before? Why doesn’t everyone recognize this? Peg said that you can’t realize it as long as your conditioning gets in the way.
We also talked about pain. I told her of my experiments with perceiving it, moving it from foreground to background. She affirmed those and added something new to me that I feel curious about.
She said in her own practice, she noticed that whenever she was feeling pain, when she inquired within what the pain was about, it turned out to be some kind of resistance. Could be resistance to feeling sadness, or being still, for example. In that way, pain is a friend!
She said just the act of acknowledging pain and being curious about it softens it, and that there is almost always a response to her inquiry.
It could be a physiological shift, an inner image, a sound, a voice, an emotion.
I feel curious now about my pains! Also curious about what other truths are just waiting for me to realize without conditioning!
I shared some more of my personal history with Peg — childhood trauma, years later processing, the spontaneous release while reading Waking the Tiger. It felt good to share with her.