Category Archives: spirit

Being present in my own life more

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Ha! I am just this minute getting off the zafu. Just as the pain in my hips really got to me, and I thought, “I have to move — this is unbearable,” the chimes went off. The pain had been mostly in the background until that moment. Little victory dance!

It’s been about six weeks since I began meditating daily. I’ve written about my experiences on the mat, the insights gained.

Today I want to convey more about my experiences off the zafu — how meditation has carried over into my non-sitting life.

It hasn’t solved my problems or made them go away. Well, maybe some minor problems became non-problems, while others have become clearer, standing out in more relief.

It does seem to have given me more faith that when it’s time to make decisions, I will make the right decisions. I have less trepidation about going through life. I am an Enneagram type 5, a fear-based person. This is a good thing, people.

Meditation may have changed how I relate to time. It feels like there’s more “now”, that time passes more slowly, or it may be that I notice more. Noticing more on the mat extends to off-the-mat awareness as well.

I seem to have more patience, more ability to allow moments to unfold, without jumping to conclusions or having knee-jerk reactions. Not that I never do that any more! Not at all. But I do that less, and I stay present more.

This feels like a kind of grace to me. A slow, ineffable, deepening, widening process of getting in touch with my own humanness is occurring, concomitant with becoming a daily meditator.

I don’t want to miss out on my own life any more, the life that happens when you’re making other plans, you know?

It’s working.

Falling in love with awareness

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I sat early this morning, before work. Long busy day, just now having time to post. Feeling tired, so this will be short.

Don’t remember details of this morning’s sit. Just that then, and later in the day, and even now as I think about it, I feel like I am falling in love with awareness.

It’s a subtle yet major shift in my universe, to understand that awareness is everything. From that realization, an unveiling is slowly taking place. I can’t hurry it or even describe it right now.

I can only ooh and ahh as the process unfolds.

Going to bed now. Can’t wait to sit again tomorrow.

The elephant is in my living room, but I can’t see all of it yet

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Meditated this evening, after work, errands, dinner. Feeling a little achy during session and now. Hip joints, left SI joint, adhesions in left thigh, left trapezius.

Chandler Collins, DC, says we’re moving towards him adjusting my left ilium, and that 95% of the time, it’s a permanent adjustment. It’s almost unbelievable that this end is in sight. My body has been twisted up for decades, and it’s taken over a decade to get to this point of untwisting.

I expect to feel less pain on the zafu and off.

Today’s body scan again was about releasing muscle tension, and it took some time.

During sitting, I felt drawn to my second chakra/dan tien/hara, noticing the rise and fall of my lower belly with each breath. I have an OM tattooed there. Long story, and now’s not the time to tell it.

Whole body awareness. Awareness through the whole body. Awareness with the whole body. Awareness is the whole body is awareness. Awareness is existence, is being, is experience.

Awareness seems both personal and impersonal. Personal in that it’s my body/mind, this body/mind experiencing the wonder of itself–these eyes, ears, this skin, this nervous system at work, this vastness of all that is. Impersonal in that it’s so vast, and so much is beyond my control.

Of course I’m familiar with the concept of oneness. At various times, I’ve experienced various degrees of merging. But it never occurred to me until these last several days that awareness unifies existence.

It’s still too big for me to really grok. I’m still looking at it sideways. I don’t think I’ve really seen the whole elephant yet. But I know it’s in my living room!

The elephant in the living room: awareness is everything

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Meditated after work today. I remembered something my teacher said, that technique is something people make too much of.

The important thing is to sit. It doesn’t really matter if your eyes are open or closed, or if your mouth is closed or open, or exactly where your tongue is, or what mudra your hands are in, or how you sit–in sukhasana, siddhasana, ardha padmasana, vajrasana, or in a chair leaning against the back.

Just sit. Pick a way that works well enough that you will actually do it.

And, she says, sitting still for a length of time creates pain, the kind of aches and tightness that arise for me toward the end of the session, sometimes earlier. That is part of the experience. You deal with it.

In the end it’s just another thought.

Today I sat after work. My left upper trapezius was tense and sore from stress and computer work. I spent some time attending to it, soothing it, releasing the tension, breathing into it, encouraging circulation and softening into it. It took a good half of my time.

Then there are the implications of awareness being everything. That’s a profound shift. It feels like I’ve discovered a secret, something that felt like a taboo when it first occurred to me.

Now there’s an elephant in the living room. What does it mean?

Well, here’s a start. Pat Robertson and Baby Doc Duvalier exist in my awareness. How can I think of them as other again?  My unkind thoughts about them are plainly and simply unkind thoughts in my awareness.

All I know about dealing with that is to love the person, judge the behavior. Easier said than done, sometimes.

I welcome hearing how you deal with this issue.