Author Archives: MaryAnn Reynolds

About MaryAnn Reynolds

I practice advanced bodywork in Austin, TX, specializing in Craniosacral Biodynamics and TMJ Relief.

Sitting is the buddha

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Tonight I did a little yoga, cat-cow, a few vinyasas, pigeon, a spinal twist.

Then I lit two candles on my little altar, bowed to my zafu, sat down, set the timer, and got into meditatin’ position–half lotus with right leg on top tonight, sit bones grounded on zafu, pelvis level, spine arising from pelvis, head tipped slightly forward, tip of tongue on palate, eyes closed, right hand lying in left hand, thumb tips touching. Aaaaannnnndddd…breathe.

I’m getting more formal about this practice. For years, I just set the timer and sat. Now, bowing to my zafu is nice. No matter how I feel about doing it at any given time, sitting on that zafu is the real teacher. Not the altar, not the bust of Kwan Yin on it, or the candles, or the mala beads. Sitting is the buddha.

Sometimes I really hate it, especially when it’s late and I’ve forgotten to sit, and I remember just when I’m thinking of going to bed, “Oh, I haven’t meditated yet, and I made this crazy vow to sit for 30 minutes every day. What was I thinking?”

And then I just go ahead and do it, dragging my resentment to the zafu with me.

Inevitably, whatever emotion I’m carrying eventually dissipates. I experience moments of clean, clear, sparkling emptiness.

And then when the timer goes off, I do a seated bow. Then I unwind my legs and make my feet like windshield wipers and move my spine.

Then I get up and face the zafu and bow again.

Fatigue awareness

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Tonight, after I dozed off reading on the sofa, I woke with the realization that I hadn’t done my daily 30 minutes on the zafu yet. This has occurred several times in the past couple of weeks, which have been full of change and wonder.

My late evening sittings have brought more familiarity with the state of fatigue.

I sit late, aware from the start that my brain is slowing down at the end of a day, accepting that.

If I’d been lying down, I would have fallen asleep in no time at all. Sitting cross-legged with no back support does tend to keep one awake!

I tune into what fatigue feels like.

Fatigue feels sweet when you just sit with it, because of the stillness and silence. Fatigue can rest in that. Fatigue can settle into that very well.

Fatigue feels slow. Slow like your slow Uncle Joey. I am not at my best in terms of mental alertness. I sense a vulnerability in fatigue, an inability to strategize, to plan, to make wise decisions. Not exactly torpor, though, because there is this curiosity about fatigue.

Fatigue is body centered and feels sluggish. Fatigue can fill my whole body with gratitude for inertia as my mind slowly checks out my whole body awareness, which is duh, a no-brainer when fatigued!

I feel tender toward my fatigued self.

And then, the bell rings, and I get up, and somehow, I’m refreshed, have gotten a bit of a second wind.

Opening to possibility, opening my heart

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I notice another effect of meditation. I have become more aware of repressing my thoughts, the kind of thoughts that occur to me that I immediately dismiss as impossible.

How do I really know anything is impossible? I don’t. This is definitely something to examine.

We all have internal struggles between freedom and responsibility. Sometimes those struggles can be heroic. I’m thinking of the times when doing the right thing as a parent means foregoing some self-centered pleasure.

Sometimes sacrifice becomes habit. One of my friends identifies herself as an over-functioning adult. That might fit me too.

Meditation has also made me feel more aware of my heart center, of when it feels tender,  vulnerable, and open. Just sitting with my heart center, letting it express whatever energy it’s expressing. Sometimes I don’t know the story, I just feel it.

If it’s too intense, I tap my chest, like in EFT. It helps.

Thoughts on balancing attention

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I’m still absorbing the brilliant wisdom of the Chogyam Trungpa quote I shared earlier this week, about putting 25% of your attention in meditation on each of these 4 areas at the same time:

  • whatever technique you are using
  • relaxing
  • making friends with yourself
  • being open to the possibility of something happening during this session

That’s just 4 things. The human mind can hold in awareness 5 to 9 things at any given time, so this should be easy breezy! Right?

I like that he included making friends with yourself. I feel like I’m doing that during my sessions by paying attention to what I’m actually experiencing — thoughts, sensations, the movement of energy, emotions. When I am curious and accepting about my actual experience, I notice more repressed thoughts and emotions become conscious, so I have more awareness. It’s a good thing!

What are the old dreams you had that you put up on a shelf years ago? Take them down and dust them off. It’s not too late.

I notice energy movement inside my body. It could be my energy body or my nervous system — I don’t know that I can really tell the difference. It feels like parts are connecting to each other. It feels soothing, calming, relaxing. And occasionally I reach that state of being full of/held in complete love.

I notice that in some sessions, not much seems to happen. I wonder now if I’m not letting go of expectations enough at these times.

I use the “whole body awareness” technique, yet when I notice I’ve strayed badly and been totally unpresent for what seems like several minutes, I bring myself back to whole body awareness through attending to my breath.

And of course, the advice to put 25% on each area. Ha! No one can measure this!

So it’s a guideline, and a fresh way of understanding the meditation experience. This is welcome.

Zen meditation changes brain, lowers pain threshold

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Here’s a blurb I read in a newsletter from the Upaya Zen Center in Santa Fe:

Zen and Pain

The world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it.
—Helen Keller

Zen meditation helps lower sensitivity to pain by thickening a part of the brain that regulates emotion and painful sensations, according to a study published recently.

University of Montreal researchers compared the grey matter thickness of 17 Zen meditators and 18 non-meditators and found evidence that practising the centuries-old discipline can reinforce a central part of the brain called the anterior cingulate. “Through training, Zen meditators appear to thicken certain areas of their cortex and this appears to underlie their lower sensitivity to pain,” lead author Joshua Grant said in a statement.

Building on an earlier study, the researchers measured thermal pain sensitivity by applying a heated plate to the calf of participants. This was followed by scanning the brains of subjects with structural magnetic resonance imaging (MRI).

The MRI results showed central brain regions that regulate emotion and pain were significantly thicker in meditators compared to non-meditators. “The often painful posture associated with Zen meditation may lead to thicker cortex and lower pain sensitivity,” Grant opined.

The study was published in a special issue of the American Psychological Association journal, Emotion.

In the previous study, the researchers recruited Zen meditators with more than 1,000 hours of practice and non-meditators and measured their respective tolerance to pain.

Several of the meditators tolerated a maximum 53°C produced by a heating plate. They appeared to further reduce their pain partly through slower breathing: 12 breaths per minute versus an average of 15 breaths for non-meditators.

“Slower breathing certainly coincided with reduced pain and may influence pain by keeping the body in a relaxed state,” Grant said in the earlier study.

Ultimately, Zen meditators experience an 18% reduction in pain sensitivity, according to the original study.

Balancing attention during meditation

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Here’s a quote from Chogyam Trungpa that I find extremely helpful in knowing how to “hold” your attention and expectations during meditation. If you are new, you might try doing these one at a time, and then find a way to give them equal balance at the same time.

In the practice of meditation, concentrating too heavily on the technique brings all kinds of mental activities, frustrations, and sexual and aggressive fantasies. So you keep just on the verge of your technique, with 25 percent of your attention. Another 25 percent is relaxing, a further 25 percent relates to making friends with oneself, and the last 25 percent connects with expectation — your mind is open to the possibility of something happening during this practice session.These four aspects of mindfulness have been referred to as the four wheels of a chariot.The ideal number of wheels we should have on our chariot is four, the four techniques of meditation: concentration, openness, awareness, and expectation. That leaves a lot of room for play. That is the approach in the buddhadharma, the Buddhist teachings. A lot of people in the lineage have practiced that way and have actually achieved a perfect state of enlightenment in one lifetime.

Like Panhala, which sends a poem each day, Ocean of Dharma sends a Trungpa quote most days. Check it out at oceanofdharma.com.

Second breakthrough

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My second big breakthrough in this year of meditating for 30 minutes each day has evolved over the past few days, and I am still integrating it. I can’t say exactly what it’s about yet because it’s a process that must unfold over time, and I don’t want to blindside anyone who’s significantly involved.

This deserves my care and attention, and that means keeping it close until I am clear how to proceed with [what I think are] everyone’s best interests in mind, as best I can.

So, I’m sorry, dear readers, that I can’t say more right now. I am looking forward to the time (hopefully in the next couple of months) when I can just blurt it out and let the world know!

This breakthrough is different from the first breakthrough, which was a shift in my point of view. This one  involves actually making some big changes in interacting with the world.

Change within followed by change without.

I feel excited! I feel a little intimidated but not scared. There are a lot of details to be worked out. Say a prayer and send loving energy if you feel so inclined.

~~~

Speaking of readers, as of today there have been 607 hits on this blog. Thank you! Thank you! THANK YOU!

I haven’t gotten any feedback on my decision to slow down on posting. If you want to share your opinion, give feedback, ask questions, make comments, it’s pretty easy to leave a comment. I believe you can even be anonymous. I read them all, delete the ones that are obviously spam, and approve the others for posting. Pretty simple.

I’d love to hear from you, even just a hello.

People problems popping up

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Had a difficult time sleeping last night because of problems at work. Wanted to go back to sleep this morning, but my feet got me out of bed and walked me to the zafu. I needed that.

In the middle of my third month of daily meditation, people problems are popping up.

The first was about working with a health care practitioner with whom I did not have rapport. After a couple of days and some wonderfully wise words from my friend Katie (“That’s not how I experience you, Mary Ann”), I decided not to work with that practitioner. She’s probably talented and certainly well-meaning. I know what it’s like to work with health care practitioners that I trust, and I’m glad I know the difference.

Now some problems with a colleague have come to a point where I feel like I need to speak to our boss. Depending on my boss’ handling of the situation, I could decide to leave my job.

Recently I ran across this quote from Chogyam Trungpa:

Without problems, we cannot tread on the path. We should feel grateful that we are in the samsaric world, the confused world, so that we can tread the path, that we are not sterile, completely cleaned out, that the world has not been taken over by some computerized system. There’s still room for rawness and ruggedness and roughness all over the place. Good luck!

So…I will remain centered, clear about my values, compassionate to others, and ready to rock and roll with whatever comes up.

Conflict, struggle, resolution

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Squeezed in a sitting between work and a meetup tonight. I had had a difficult interaction with a colleague earlier and was in a perturbed state.

I don’t think I ever completed my body scan. My thoughts and feelings were very attracted to this incident and what it means.

Yet I could just notice that I was unusually distracted, with a lot of emotion centering around this incident, and be with those thoughts of being misunderstood, being wronged, and imaginging having a confrontation about it or just leaving my job. Noticing how much my ego wants to be on top and have everything my/its way.

Feeling compassion for my small self.

There were a few moments of being able to clear these thoughts and feelings and just be. In contrast to the agitation, those moments were precious.

I enjoyed later hearing from a friend who told me she really enjoys reading my blog because it’s been instructive for when/if she ever decides to start a daily practice. Thank you, Victoria!

Now, many hours later, I feel better, more capable of dealing with it well, of finding a positive solution, of asking the right questions.

New sensations, wondering about readers

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I’ve noticed for a couple of weeks intermittent new and pleasurable sensations running from my sacrum down the outside of my left leg. Then I felt them on my right leg.

Thoughts: Hallelujah! The chiropractic work is really working. The S2 nerve is coming back, and my GB meridian is finally opening up. Patrice will be so happy!

Generally what I’ve been noticing is feeling more sensations on the left side of my body. I feel more tingly and alive.

I also realized recently that I’ve been habitually walking with my torso slightly bent forward from the hips. That’s to avoid pain in my SI joint, which is almost gone! I’m learning to rebalance my torso on my hips.

Last night I spoke to someone who occasionally reads my blog posts on Facebook. (Hi, Dale!)  It’s gratifying to hear from readers — in person, on Facebook, on this blog. I appreciate your interest and spoken and unspoken support. I know you’re out there, those who don’t respond. That’s fine.

Sometimes this blogging is lonely. I basically am an explorer reporting back on my explorations, a journalist of sitting meditation. Although millions around the world engage in this practice, no one has been here before, because it’s my journey, my guesthouse.

I wonder if people who read this blog have been surprised by the number of issues I have with my body — with pain, recovery, frustration, ignorance, stability, confidence, and so on.

These issues for me are part and parcel of learning how to sit for 30 minutes. Sounds simple enough, huh? Yet I have been told the physical issues never go away.

So it’s about developing skill. For that, I have to pay attention. And maybe, just maybe, that’s the point.