Category Archives: sitting

Getting to know myself from the inside out

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I haven’t posted about my sitting practice much lately because it doesn’t seem like there’s been much to say.

I do my three Surya Namaskar A vinyasas. I sit. I set the timer for 30 minutes. I get settled comfortably in siddhasana (knees wide, heels in close, centered one in front of the other, soles facing up), lengthen up my spine and center my torso over my pelvis, center my head over my torso, tilt my forehead slightly down. Close my eyes.

The beginning chime goes off, and I take a full deep breath and exhale, and that’s my most powerful anchor for meditation, that first breath. My energy body opens and comes to the forefront of my attention. I focus on my head — sensations of my energy body, my crown chakra, my third eye chakra, amygdala energy pressing forward, my entire forehead tingling, and face, ears, scalp.

And then I sense my entire head as one. All sensation part of a single system.

Then I move to my neck and upper torso, feeling my open throat and heart chakras (or feeling them open if they aren’t already), and all sensation in my chest, upper back, neck, shoulders, arms, and hands.

And then my upper torso and energy centers as one system.

Same below the diaphragm. I feel the energy of my third, second, and first chakras, my belly moving with my breath, my weight on my sit bones, my lower back, sacrum, perineum, and down my legs through my feet.

And then my lower body and energy centers become parts of a whole. I am three wholes now.

Then I merge the parts into one living, breathing, constantly changing energy system.

This is whole body awareness.

I notice how my attention moves as I also hold my attention on the whole.

I realize that I have visualized a map of my body based on looking in the mirror. My skin is an edge, a boundary between me and not me, in the mirror.

In sitting with my eyes closed, with awareness of my whole body, I let go of that map and feel. Just where does my nervous system go? Are there areas where there is no sensation? Areas that feel strong? Is there subtlety? Yes.

My nervous system (aka awareness) extends as far as I can hear, to traffic in the distance, jets and helicopters making noise from the sky. (Maybe one day I will sit with my eyes open.)

I am getting to know myself from the inside out.

If you’ve been reading this blog for awhile, you know that it’s been a struggle to be able to do this. I’ve been finding my way.

And here I am. I’m doing it! It feels full. I sit with wonder in constantly changing fullness.

It rocks.

Pain and pleasure, pleasure and pain — side effects of living

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Last month I woke one day with an aching leg and posted on whether pain is necessary for growth. A fellow yogi and blogger, Ben Ralston, commented that sometimes these issues can be due to birth trauma and/or inherited (“the family pattern”).

I was born prematurely, 7 weeks early and weighing 4.1 pounds, and my father walked with a limp due to having been born with a club foot that was straightened, but the treatment shortened his leg. Perhaps I picked up that energy pattern.

I want to explore these possibilities for healing.

Patrice, my acupuncturist, explained that my leg pain that day, not long after chiropractic work, signified a “crisis day” of my body’s moving toward being more aligned. Crisis day is when you think something is wrong, but you’re actually moving through a dysfunctional pattern to a new place that is more right than before.

She later did myofascial release work on my leg, and it feels great now.

Patrice has promised me a rebirthing session next time we work together. I will report on my rebirthing experience here.

Pain is a catalyst. Sometimes we let things go until the pain becomes great enough to change (laziness). And sometimes we let things go because we don’t know how to change course (ignorance). It seems that we may encounter pain (awareness), and only in hindsight understand that we were on a path that led to it (insight).

We may have to step in that hole several times (pattern) before understanding where we first went off course (great mindfulness), thus being able to avoid it the next time (learning) and from then on (mastery).

Life often does include “getting hit in the head with a 2×4,” as an old mentor used to say. When that unexpected, unwanted event happens, you can’t help but change direction. It changes your direction for you. Sometimes life is like that (more often when you’re young, have you noticed?).

The sweet trick is changing direction before the 2×4 looms large. And that’s being motivated to move toward pleasure.

Usually when we first experience a new pleasure, we are open to our experience, feel the pleasure, and then want more of that. We mark and savor pleasurable experiences in our memories. We hope and maybe plan to encounter it again (expectation).

Just remember. Smelling roses, newly mown grass in the spring, the approach of a storm, the scent of someone you love.

Tasting water when thirsty, the satisfaction of sweetness, a surprising new combination of tastes like watermelon and lime.

Feeling a caress, releasing muscle tension, the intensity of orgasm, air currents against your skin.

Hearing a particular tune, a whisper, a dog barking in the distance, crickets.

Seeing a sunrise, a double rainbow, catching someone’s eye, a funny sign.

Add your pleasurable memories here.

There are other pleasurable experiences in unnamed senses as well.

Experiences like these are catalysts for appreciation of this life, for gratitude. Each experience of pleasure may signify truly being here now, being in the right place at the right time, living your right life.

And they happen in the moment.

It’s when pleasure becomes the point, when we crave it, when we build our lives around it, that things get complicated. 

It’s hard to live without expecting to live another day. Expectation isn’t necessarily a bad thing. When is it “appropriate”? When is it useful?

It may be that letting go of expectation only really happens when we are present in the moment, experiencing life as it is.

That’s what meditation is. A practice to train yourself to experience life as it is.

What a fine line, to enjoy pleasure, and not hang onto it, and not crave it, but just let it arise when it arises, savor it deeply, and let it go. Rasa, in Sanskrit

One more thing. Pleasure and pain aren’t opposites, they are on a continuum of sensation and meaning. They are side effects of having a nervous system.

And a tip: If you don’t label pain, but just experience an uncomfortable sensation and breathe through it, you have opened to your experience.

Future home of the International Dream Center

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It’s Monday night. Went back to work today after 4 days off for a trip to west Texas. Got home late last night, up early this morning. Right now I’m sensing some space to reflect and write, so here I am.

This travel was full of good memories, of exploring the new-to-me southern route from San Antonio to Fort Davis on US 90 with my friend and travel companion Linaka.

Out in the middle of nowhere we saw an interesting sign: Future Home of the International Dream Center. That in many ways was the theme for the trip, since it seems we all dream ourselves into being, dream the lives we live. We did some great dreaming out there in the Davis Mountains.

Big skies and long views were companions on this trip, so refreshing after the closeness of the city. The drier air and cooler temperatures were welcome too.

Thursday night we spread a tarp on the ground in the driveway of the Chihuahuan Desert Research Institute and faced an impossibly starry sky, with the glowing Milky Way bisecting the ethereal dome. Our friends Keith and Merrie found us there and joined us in screams and laughter every time a meteor blazed across the sky. Friend Vee joined us in our accommodations later, having driven out from Dallas.

Balancing activity with leisure is the art of vacations. We created a picnic and attended a Star Party at McDonald Observatory. That outdoor amphitheater for star-gazing near a mountaintop has got to be one of the great spots in Texas. We also sat around the pool at our “tourist camp” and conversed for hours.

Saturday night, I finally saw the mysterious Marfa lights, on my third attempt. Again, the sky treated us to a great show–not just the mystery lights appearing, disappearing, moving, but also a setting crescent moon turning orange, Mars, Venus, far-off lightning, and again, that Milky Way.

I must not forget to mention I got in a swim in Balmorhea State Park.

On the drive back, Keith and I stopped at Sonora Caverns for a trip 155 feet deep into Pacha Mama, past pristine cave formations.

And yes, I did some sitting! Even dropped in on a yoga class that was a bit more intense than my usual classes. I felt challenged and liked it. Even held bakasana (crane pose), an arm balance, for longer than I ever have before. I shower Linaka with gratitude for being a beginner yogi and taking the class with me.

I feel so blessed to have these friends, this time, this setting, these memories.

Dark skies, meteor showers, nightwalking

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I am going to West Texas in a couple of days with some friends. We will drive out Thursday, perhaps taking US 90 (the southern route), which is an unknown part of Texas to me. I’m looking forward to that.

We’ll be staying at the Stone Village Tourist Camp in Fort Davis, where I have reserved a “camping cabin” — good for the budget traveler, it has no AC and shared bathroom facilities. Balmorhea State Park was full, and I don’t even try Davis Mountains State Park any more because most of my compadres are not into camping, we don’t plan far enough ahead, and…the stench and noise of javelinas right outside my tent at night is unappealing.

Thursday is the peak of the Perseid meteor shower. Look toward the northeast after full darkness. We may check in, take a little nap, eat, hang out, and then about 10 pm drive a little south of Fort Davis to have a stupendous view from the heights out over the flat plains to the north.

Friday perhaps we’ll swim at Balmorhea, do some hiking, and in the evening attend the twilight program (new for me) and then the Star Party at McDonald Observatory, after which we will do some nightwalking on a dark, deserted country road under the darkest skies in Texas.

For more about nightwalking, read here: http://www.navaching.com/hawkeen/nwalk.html. For our Austin peripheral walking meetup, go here: http://www.meetup.com/Austin-Peripheral-Walking-Meetup/.

Saturday, we may drive to Marfa for the farmer’s market, visit to the Chihuahuan Desert Botanical Center in Alpine, return to Marfa for dinner, and then go out to the viewing area for the Marfa lights. I’ve been a couple of times but have not seen these mysterious long-known lights yet.

Sunday, drive back with perhaps a stop at Sonora Caverns — so isolated, so clean, so cool and damp and fascinating.

All in all, it’s a much needed break from work, a time to spend with friends in the clean air, big skies, spaciousness, and pleasing views of the Davis Mountains. Will bring my yoga mat and zafu and keep up with my yoga and sitting practice and my 5 minutes of pranayama practice, breathing in that good clean air.

Mostly it will be a wonderful change in energy. This trip feels like I’m being called. What awaits me? I’ll tell you when I get back.

Grokking

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My intent while sitting is whole body awareness. Start with body scan of my whole head. Then upper torso and arms, then lower torso and legs. I sense each region as a whole.

Then I bring my awareness to my whole body. And when my attention falters, I bring it back. And bring it back. And bring it back.

I develop my anterior cingulate cortex by doing this, according to Buddha’s Brain.

May my awareness of my whole body be steady.

What’s interesting to note is how wholeness shows up elsewhere in my life.

  • In something as simple as typing a 7-digit number as a whole, all at once, instead of typing the first four digits, and then the last three digits.
  • In something as profound as walking into a room and consciously experiencing it as a full, whole impression.

The first months of meditation were like opening a door to a new space, entering and wandering around, exploring.

Now it’s a little more like holding my attention on one painting.

Grok. I like that word. Take in the whole and be transformed.

From Stranger in a Strange Land, Robert Heinlein, 1961:

Grok means to understand so thoroughly that the observer becomes a part of the observed—to merge, blend, intermarry, lose identity in group experience.

I skipped meditating this morning…

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…and I am really feeling it. Skipped my three sun salutations too, although I did bridge in bed.

I feel really tight across the back of my shoulders. My patience and equanimity feel thinner too. I am not liking this at all!

I have been really consistent at getting up early, doing a little yoga, and sitting for 30 minutes for several months now. Especially before work. On weekends I cut myself a little slack and do it later, or sit with my sangha for much longer.

Hmm. Perhaps that was the true purpose of skipping out this morning, so I could really notice the difference that yoga and meditation done early in the day affect the rest of my day.

I’m going to close my office door, roll out my mat, and do those sun salutations right now. And even though I don’t have time to meditate, 5 minutes of breathing with awareness will make a big difference.

New sense of purpose

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I’ve been mostly playing and experimenting with the direction my meditation teacher gave me back in late December, whole body awareness, off and on for this whole year. I’ve tried different approaches. It hasn’t come easily, and I haven’t given up.

Early on, my intuitive way to experience my whole body at once was by using the breath, just attending to the whole body sensations (or as much as I could) of each breath.

I notice how easy it has been for my attention to be drawn to this part or that part, usually because of sensations such as pain or the pleasure of my chakras opening. My attention would flit from body part to body part, switching unbidden into internal dialog and losing all awareness of my body, then deliberately returning it to my body upon becoming aware.

I’ve tried visualizing my whole body, seeing myself sitting from various perspectives and then uniting the visualized self and the felt self by having the image merge into “me.”

I’ve had a sense that “whole body awareness” is always present even if not in the foreground of attention, that it is actually much closer to my consciousness than I would have thought.

I read in Buddha’s Brain that whole body awareness is simply right-brain awareness, which is visual, spatial, and likes gestalt. Well, then, that explains why it seems so close! Duh! It’s just my right brain.

And all these experiments with whole body awareness are nice images, words, sounds, and feelings projected upon the big screen, Awareness. Or maybe it’s all shifting between Big Awareness and small. Everything is awareness!

I’ve had more of a sense of purpose in my meditation lately, more determination to be able to maintain my awareness of my whole body for longer than a few seconds at a time. Once again, breathing helps.

I learned from yoga that each inhalation activates the sympathetic nervous system, and each exhalation activates the parasympathetic nervous system. Inhaling stimulates, exhaling calms. I tune in to my whole body to attempt to discern this.

Not really, not yet, but something is different, and practicing this does hold my attention on my whole body for longer than before.

I’ve also gotten some nice Alex Grey-like images of my nervous system all lit up inside my physical body and energy body, and of sitting inside a sort of bubble of energy or light. If you’re not familiar with the name, you’ve probably seen something like this image: http://webpages.shepherd.edu/fmahooti/IMAGES/AlexGrey.jpg.

My image of myself is kind of like that, only without the grid, mountains, fire. The halo is just part of the bubble. It is from a perspective that seems to combine looking at myself and being in my body, a visual/kinesthetic synesthesia.

I have a hunch that really experiencing whole body awareness and being able to keep my attention there is going to be amazing, and it seems so close, just a tantalizing shift away…a shift I haven’t fully made yet.

Buddha’s Brain says that whole body awareness supports singleness of mind, a state in which all aspects of experience come together as a whole and attention is very steady. This is probably high-frequency  gamma waves.

For once, I know a little something about the direction I’m heading toward. And once on the zafu, I can forget that. Staying open to my actual experience – being present – is still the means.

Wonder/no wonder

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Paraphrasing from the book Buddha’s Brain:

Whole body awareness is right-brain activity. Internal dialog is left-brain activity. You can’t do both at the same time, so awareness of the body suppresses left-brain monkey mind.

When you sense the body as a whole, you further activate the right hemisphere.

Start with the breath. Experience it as a single, unified gestalt of sensations. It will crumble; recreate it.

Expand awareness to include whole body. When it crumbles, restore it.

You’ll get better with practice.

Whole body awareness supports singleness of mind, a meditative state in which all aspects of experience come together as a whole and attention is very steady.

~~

Aha! So this is where Peg is leading me!

Whole body awareness as a mantra

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That was my mantra yesterday morning and this morning. After my body scan, I repeat “whole body awareness” as internal dialogue, losing track of the meaning, letting those repetitive sounds fill me up and flow through my…whole body awareness.

The centered witness. The experiencer and the witness.

“Whole body awareness” may not be part of each moment’s conscious awareness, but it is never far. It comes and goes easily across that threshold of consciousness.

A few moments of great visual clarity – with my eyes closed, especially in my left eye, which can see so clearly, it’s like a telescope and x-ray vision combined. That doesn’t make any sense, but it’s true.

More of a sense of purpose to my daily sittings. So much depends on it… How I change the world, one person at a time, starting with me.

Repost: Meditation for the working class folks

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I like this post on Elephant Journal from a fellow meditation blogger about setting up your home meditation practice when you have a family, not much of a sangha, and other obstacles. Early in the morning is my best time too.

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2010/07/meditation-for-the-working-class-family-folks/

John Pappas’ blog, where the post originally appeared, is located here, and it’s worth a look-see. He’s located in South Dakota and has a photo of Mount Rushmore that includes the Buddha among the dead presidents! Check it out here:

http://zendirtzendust.com/