What is your water? A fish story

This is one of my favorite teaching stories.

Once upon a time, a fish wandered outside his school. He was near the shore, and he heard voices talking. They kept mentioning the word “water”.

The fish had never heard this word before. Wah-ter. Water. He didn’t know what it meant.

He returned to his school and began asking the other fish, “Do you know what ‘water’ is?” No one knew.

The fish just couldn’t let it go. Surely someone must know. When his school encountered other schools, he asked the other school’s fish if they knew what ‘water’ is.

No one knew.

The fish grew up and realized his mission in life was to find out about ‘water’. He left home and swam far and wide, asking the many creatures he encountered what they knew about ‘water’.

In old age, with a long fishy beard and glasses, the fish returned to the school of his origin. A couple of other old fish noticed him and asked, “Say, aren’t you the fish who left in search of something called ‘water’?”

“Yes, I am,” the old fish replied.

“Well, tell us! Did you ever find out what ‘water’ is?” they asked.

“Yes, I did,” the old fish responded.

“Well, what is it? What is this ‘water’?” the fish eagerly asked.

The old fish looked at them and answered, “If I told you what water is, you simply wouldn’t believe it.”

Water. Love. Abundance. Presence. Peace. Wholeness. Flow.

What is your water? What have you been searching for that is there all along?

The interesting thing is, we need news of difference to notice anything. News of difference can come as something “new” that we haven’t encountered before, or it can come from refining our ability to notice — notice what’s already there that you didn’t notice before. Notice what’s always been there that you never noticed before.

Meditation — seeking the silence and space and presence within — is a path to noticing what you didn’t notice before. Shedding light on darkness. Enlightening.

Back sliding

Last Wednesday I had a chiropractic adjustment that felt like “the one I’ve been waiting for.” I reported to Dr. Collins on how the exercises from last month went. He had asked me to place shoes — like wedges — under specific parts of my lower back and pelvis so my body could experience what it feels like to be untwisted, doing this 15 minutes 2x a week.

After the second time, my body went through a “crisis day” where it felt like all the adhesions in my left leg were screaming, and then the pain faded. I got a sense memory of two different ways of my muscul0-skeletal-nervous system being organized — the habitual dysfunctional way and the aligned new way. 

Last week, he did some muscle testing, then he positioned me and made an adjustment. I felt a quick pain in my left sacro-iliac (SI) joint.

And then nothing. Like being suspended in mid-air.

And then my body autonomically took a really deep, relaxing breath that told me this adjustment released a long-held pattern of tension.Sweet, blessed relief! This felt like the sweet spot I’ve been working so hard toward since February.

I noticed a need for silence and stillness and stayed home from work on Thursday. So far so good.

Friday night as part of yoga teacher training, we went to the Our Body exhibit — a display of human anatomy using real bodies that have been preserved, positioned, or cut open to reveal the structures inside.

And ironically, after being on my feet for over an hour filling up on anatomy, I began to feel the familiar old discomfort in my left SI joint.

By Saturday morning, my sacral ligament was inflamed. I attended yoga teacher training all day and took sublingual arnica, which helped some. Blood flow is good, but ligaments aren’t very vascular. When I got home, I reached for prescription anti-inflammatories.

Sunday was another crisis day. I took anti-inflammatories, sublingual arnica, arnica gel, and laid low, reading and resting and being still most of the day.

Today, less inflammation and pain, still have some stiffness.

I guess I wasn’t quite ready for the adjustment. I feel disappointed.

I noticed when my SI joints were aligned that the area between L5 and my sacrum felt tight. Also, after an adjustment, some walking is good, but standing is not. Valuable information.

Am I resisting change? Is there a part of me that doesn’t want to heal? I ask myself those questions and don’t get any clear answer. I imagine what it would feel like to be healed, and I realize I’ve held an expectation that once I get my lower back/sacrum/pelvis aligned, I will not only be pain free, but I will have rushes and beaucoups of energy.

Getting aligned (given my history of birth injury, PTSD, scoliosis, and car accident) is a two steps forward, one step back process.

At least I had a taste of it! That is so motivating. I can get aligned. I can learn how to hold the adjustment, just like I held the atlas adjustment that unwound scoliosis.

So, what do you blame your good fortune on?

My friend Katie has been playing with the concept, “What’s your excuse?” using her big mind. She asks:

What’s your “excuse” for making real the compassionate/wildly loving/identity changing/unrealistically abundant goals and dreams you have?

It seems we can all easily access lots of excuses for why we are the way we are (poor me), why others are the way they are (poor them), why we failed at something, why we’re not living at our full potential and capacity. Bad parents, childhood trauma, family history, DNA, born that way, hard-wired, didn’t know any better, lacking something.

Not that those experiences have no consequence, but how far is that bad parents excuse going to take you? How long will it last? What will it take for you to stop making it?

What if those bad parents provided exactly the life experience you needed to discern parenting skill levels in others and perhaps even become an awesome parent yourself?

What if your childhood trauma provided you with the exact amount of suffering you needed to develop a highly compassionate heart?

What if that trauma prompted you later to try to find out who you would have been had that trauma not occurred?

What if you realized the trauma had moved you in a direction you would not otherwise have taken, and the full glory of your existence included trauma and recovery?

What are your excuses for your misfortunes and for your good fortunes?

Katie responded to her own question thusly:

 Here are some of my excuses for greatness/expansion: Having the three best parents imaginable, seeing the green flash on the ocean as a teenager, my best friends, standing on top of Haleakala at sunrise and sunset 3 days in a row, the existence of the book The Structure of Delight, Spider Joe’s celestial spider pictures, the fact that I could go on and on 🙂

We have a mutual friend who “blames” her wonderfulness on the fact that she was energetically zapped by 12 Peruvian shamans! I like that one a lot.

I enjoy believing that all of you wonderful friends (and friends I haven’t met yet) have created a wonderful world just for me to live in and appreciate.

In fact, there’s so much to appreciate, I currently narrow it down to just the miraculous blue sky of this planet, and all the wonders it holds — stars, constellations, meteor showers, the Milky Way, cloudscapes, thunderstorms, lightning, sunrises and sunsets, moonrises and moonsets, rainbows, green flashes, oh yeah. And space, spaciousness, the spaces between things.

Thank you, my friends, for showing this to me, for creating it, for letting me play.

Here’s an experiment. Every time you notice yourself blaming something or someone and feel the contractiveness associated with that activity, pause. Take a moment. Breathe. Tell yourself:

This is a story I made up.

Then find a more creative story, a funnier story, a fresher story.

No one owns “the truth,” but you own your truth. Life is more delicious with really good stories.

More wonders of silence

Just wanted to share a response from reader Loping Buzzard to my recent post, Wonders of Silence.

Great post! I really relate to the “grinding of the mind.” Following recent surgery, I began seriously meditating again after years of neglect. It took a couple of weeks to get back to the place I remember. And when I did, it was obvious. Suddenly, it was like everything stopped and I could HEAR so clearly. Where did that silence come from? Then I realized that the loud sound that was drowning out all others was coming from ME – that constant buzzing, grinding, roar. I was STILL for the first time in ages – not on the outside, on the inside. I was excited but worried that I couldn’t do it again, but with more practice, I can now do it within seconds. That familiar, still calm. And it has made a world of difference in my recovery.

What’s your story about the wonders of silence?

Wonders of silence

We can make our minds so like still water that beings gather about us to see their own images and so live for a moment with a clearer, perhaps even a fiercer life because of our silence. ~ William Butler Yeats

I love this quote. Ran across it in a Yoga Journal post entitled Surrendering to Silence (http://www.yogajournal.com/practice/907?utm_source=Wisdom&utm_medium=newsletter&utm_campaign=Wisdom), by Catherine Ingram.

Reminds me of a passage in one of Martin Prechtel’s tales of living in a Mayan village where he says that the human mind makes a grinding sound that animals can hear, so that when we’re out walking in nature, they hear us coming and move away from us.

Stilling the mind can be learned with practice. Then, nature approaches. Butterflies, birds, and other creatures no longer flee.

Some would say we have become a vehicle that allows the universe to know and appreciate itself.

Fire dancing over the heart center

My Free Day of Yoga restorative class was a success — more successful than I had anticipated. I had limited attendance to 6, but the Austin Chronicle’s listing of classes apparently omitted that detail. Nine people (most of whom I had not met before) found this small studio converted from a double garage — and I found a way to make it work. Yoga creates physical and metaphorical flexibility. We had 9 pairs of legs up the wall!

The sweetest sight was sitting silently, viewing everyone as they did savasana, knowing they were opened up energetically in a way not often experienced. We usually put our armor on when we leave the house in the morning and leave it on until we come home.

It was as if I could see a flame dancing above each person’s heart center. Okay, omit the “as if”. Sometimes seeing is not literally seeing.

For that, I am grateful.

Getting to know myself from the inside out

I haven’t posted about my sitting practice much lately because it doesn’t seem like there’s been much to say.

I do my three Surya Namaskar A vinyasas. I sit. I set the timer for 30 minutes. I get settled comfortably in siddhasana (knees wide, heels in close, centered one in front of the other, soles facing up), lengthen up my spine and center my torso over my pelvis, center my head over my torso, tilt my forehead slightly down. Close my eyes.

The beginning chime goes off, and I take a full deep breath and exhale, and that’s my most powerful anchor for meditation, that first breath. My energy body opens and comes to the forefront of my attention. I focus on my head — sensations of my energy body, my crown chakra, my third eye chakra, amygdala energy pressing forward, my entire forehead tingling, and face, ears, scalp.

And then I sense my entire head as one. All sensation part of a single system.

Then I move to my neck and upper torso, feeling my open throat and heart chakras (or feeling them open if they aren’t already), and all sensation in my chest, upper back, neck, shoulders, arms, and hands.

And then my upper torso and energy centers as one system.

Same below the diaphragm. I feel the energy of my third, second, and first chakras, my belly moving with my breath, my weight on my sit bones, my lower back, sacrum, perineum, and down my legs through my feet.

And then my lower body and energy centers become parts of a whole. I am three wholes now.

Then I merge the parts into one living, breathing, constantly changing energy system.

This is whole body awareness.

I notice how my attention moves as I also hold my attention on the whole.

I realize that I have visualized a map of my body based on looking in the mirror. My skin is an edge, a boundary between me and not me, in the mirror.

In sitting with my eyes closed, with awareness of my whole body, I let go of that map and feel. Just where does my nervous system go? Are there areas where there is no sensation? Areas that feel strong? Is there subtlety? Yes.

My nervous system (aka awareness) extends as far as I can hear, to traffic in the distance, jets and helicopters making noise from the sky. (Maybe one day I will sit with my eyes open.)

I am getting to know myself from the inside out.

If you’ve been reading this blog for awhile, you know that it’s been a struggle to be able to do this. I’ve been finding my way.

And here I am. I’m doing it! It feels full. I sit with wonder in constantly changing fullness.

It rocks.

Pain and pleasure, pleasure and pain — side effects of living

Last month I woke one day with an aching leg and posted on whether pain is necessary for growth. A fellow yogi and blogger, Ben Ralston, commented that sometimes these issues can be due to birth trauma and/or inherited (“the family pattern”).

I was born prematurely, 7 weeks early and weighing 4.1 pounds, and my father walked with a limp due to having been born with a club foot that was straightened, but the treatment shortened his leg. Perhaps I picked up that energy pattern.

I want to explore these possibilities for healing.

Patrice, my acupuncturist, explained that my leg pain that day, not long after chiropractic work, signified a “crisis day” of my body’s moving toward being more aligned. Crisis day is when you think something is wrong, but you’re actually moving through a dysfunctional pattern to a new place that is more right than before.

She later did myofascial release work on my leg, and it feels great now.

Patrice has promised me a rebirthing session next time we work together. I will report on my rebirthing experience here.

Pain is a catalyst. Sometimes we let things go until the pain becomes great enough to change (laziness). And sometimes we let things go because we don’t know how to change course (ignorance). It seems that we may encounter pain (awareness), and only in hindsight understand that we were on a path that led to it (insight).

We may have to step in that hole several times (pattern) before understanding where we first went off course (great mindfulness), thus being able to avoid it the next time (learning) and from then on (mastery).

Life often does include “getting hit in the head with a 2×4,” as an old mentor used to say. When that unexpected, unwanted event happens, you can’t help but change direction. It changes your direction for you. Sometimes life is like that (more often when you’re young, have you noticed?).

The sweet trick is changing direction before the 2×4 looms large. And that’s being motivated to move toward pleasure.

Usually when we first experience a new pleasure, we are open to our experience, feel the pleasure, and then want more of that. We mark and savor pleasurable experiences in our memories. We hope and maybe plan to encounter it again (expectation).

Just remember. Smelling roses, newly mown grass in the spring, the approach of a storm, the scent of someone you love.

Tasting water when thirsty, the satisfaction of sweetness, a surprising new combination of tastes like watermelon and lime.

Feeling a caress, releasing muscle tension, the intensity of orgasm, air currents against your skin.

Hearing a particular tune, a whisper, a dog barking in the distance, crickets.

Seeing a sunrise, a double rainbow, catching someone’s eye, a funny sign.

Add your pleasurable memories here.

There are other pleasurable experiences in unnamed senses as well.

Experiences like these are catalysts for appreciation of this life, for gratitude. Each experience of pleasure may signify truly being here now, being in the right place at the right time, living your right life.

And they happen in the moment.

It’s when pleasure becomes the point, when we crave it, when we build our lives around it, that things get complicated. 

It’s hard to live without expecting to live another day. Expectation isn’t necessarily a bad thing. When is it “appropriate”? When is it useful?

It may be that letting go of expectation only really happens when we are present in the moment, experiencing life as it is.

That’s what meditation is. A practice to train yourself to experience life as it is.

What a fine line, to enjoy pleasure, and not hang onto it, and not crave it, but just let it arise when it arises, savor it deeply, and let it go. Rasa, in Sanskrit

One more thing. Pleasure and pain aren’t opposites, they are on a continuum of sensation and meaning. They are side effects of having a nervous system.

And a tip: If you don’t label pain, but just experience an uncomfortable sensation and breathe through it, you have opened to your experience.

Celebrating 2000 hits!

I just checked my view count. Since I started this blog way back in late December 2009, it has been viewed by 2,000 people besides me.  When I started, I had no idea if it would get even 1,000 views over the year, so this is a real milestone.

Thank you so much for visiting. It means a lot to me.

I love comments and feedback and suggestions, so please don’t hesitate to comment and share your response to a post.

Now. I wonder if I can get 3,000 views by the end of 2010…

Awakening intelligence in the body

I just read this article in Yoga Journal and wanted to share it here, because the writer shows the kind of body awareness that one can develop from making yoga and meditation regular practices. He sensed an area in his body where his energy felt blocked and noticed other areas affected by that blockage. He followed his intuition that he needed to find a good bodyworker to open his energy up.

He notices what actually happens in a session, and this is true for me too: As much as I adore chitchatting with my bodyworkers, they actually work better (that is, my body heals and aligns more) when I am silent, deeply relaxed, open, and energetically supporting their work.

As with yoga itself, the real proof of bodywork is in the direct experience. And the more yoga you do—especially if you complement it with various forms of bodywork—the deeper your ability to sense your inner experience becomes. Yoga practitioners frequently discover that they develop finer and finer perception in areas of the body where they previously felt little. B.K.S. Iyengar calls this phenomenon awakening intelligence in the body.

http://www.yogajournal.com/health/1005?utm_source=DailyInsight&utm_medium=newsletter&utm_campaign=DailyInsight