Author Archives: MaryAnn Reynolds

About MaryAnn Reynolds

I practice advanced bodywork in Austin, TX, specializing in Craniosacral Biodynamics and TMJ Relief.

Trance dance trance

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Tonight I meditated to live drumming. I was at the Austin Shamanism Tribal Gathering.

I joined a circle of people, most of whom were drumming Native American style, using the same type of drum to pound a solid steady rhythm.

Then we  trance danced, with bandanas or scarves blindfolding us, to some driving shamanic rhythms.

I really got into it. I realized how much my body loves dancing, especially in this free form, where literally no one is watching, where I could stay rooted in pretty much one spot and just let my body move to the music the way that felt good and right.

I miss dancing. I stopped a couple of years ago to work on my body’s alignment issues. There was something else that just told me it was time to not dance. I’d trance dance every few months, and that was it.

Now I feel like I have had enough stillness of that kind. It’s time to dance again. The achiness and adhesions are not telling me to be still. They are telling me to move more.

After dancing, I found a place on the floor, got still, checked in, did a few stretches. Then I found a yoga blanket and rolled it up and sat in a corner while the drumming continued.

I noticed my crown chakra was very open, and at times I had a sense of a tube of energy/light from my crown down through the center of my body. The drumming also kept me very present.

I also had a sense of a shift that I don’t feel very articulate about, except to say that it’s a vast shift in how I pay attention. I would like to write more about this, and when it’s baked a little more, I will.

Photos: trees sky january

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A skullcap of glowing shine

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My cedar fever is getting better, although sometimes my nasal membranes still feel on fire and super sensitive. I used a neti pot this morning. After the initial burn and vise-like headache (this is why it hasn’t become habitual!), I felt better.

Started doing a yoga sequence and remembered my chiropractor saying not to do core exercises this week. Trikonasana, triangle, no; eka pada rajakapotasana, pigeon, yes. I am not clear on exactly what is core and what is not, but I’m pretty sure navasana, boat pose, is core.

So I switched to yin yoga, opening eight of the twelve meridians in a 4-asana sequence. That’s as much yin yoga as I know at this point. Ended with savasana.

Then to the zafu! I so love meditating right after yoga. Settling into sukhasana, easy pose, getting my sitting bones grounded just so on the zafu. The chimes ring. Off into body scan!

Feeling the solid flesh-and-blood-and-bone-and-nerve aliveness of each body part, feeling energy moving, opening, blossoming within as my attention moves down my body. My eyes are looking down behind closed lids.

Big breath at end of scan, then eyes to slightly above center, slightly crossed. I have no way of verifying this, but it seems likely that simple eye movement shifts my brain waves to alpha.

Head energy. Brain energy. Midline of brain, corpus callosum. Crown chakra, left side of crown chakra. Third eyeball headlamp. I am wearing a hat made of light.

Now I feel it in my sacrum. Like coming back to earth. Breathe into it. Chimes. Then…I clear a path and do walking meditation.

Back to zafu. I want to go longer. My cat joins me. I probably make it 15 more minutes before aches become too much. Grateful for this day.

The voyage and the guesthouse

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Meditation tonight was much better than last night. My nasal passages are still a bit congested, but I could breathe through them while I was sitting. Perhaps it was just that that made all the difference.

Started sitting in sukhasana but felt tightness and a little pain around hip joints and switched to vajrasana, with the zafu between my legs supporting my sit bones. That worked out well.

Doing my body scan chakra by chakra from crown to root kept my attention focused on it. Stayed at least two breath cycles with attention centering on each chakra. Finished with hands and feet chakras, important to include in a body scan.

For much of the rest of my session, I felt quietly peaceful and blissful. Thoughts arose and dissolved without much ado.

Does a thought exist if I don’t notice it? It seems to me that thoughts do exist when I’m heading into “not noticing” territory. They are almost weightless then. They might not make sense. They might even be in a foreign language. Strings of words pass through.

I almost forgot to meditate today. I didn’t sit early because I wanted to rest as much as I could before going to work. Forget it, at work. After work, I picked up my granddaughter and we hung out together until nearly 10. I was putting her to sleep and falling asleep myself when I remembered.

I feel like much of this first month has been learning how to navigate in meditation. Landmarks, processes, vocabulary.

I understand the metaphor of the voyage, meditation as an inner journey. Also, I don’t have to go anywhere–it all comes to me, or through me–the metaphor of the guesthouse.

Both metaphors work for me.

I want mercy, and I want it now!

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Today I suffered during sitting.

I started normally enough, sitting in sukhasana in the dark. Started my body scan and quickly got distracted. When I realized it, I wondered how I could learn to scan my body without being distracted. Came up with tying awareness of body parts or chakras to breathing. That seems worth investigating.

I felt crabby. I realized after a bit that I was breathing through my mouth because my nasal passages were constricted.

Yuck. Mouth breathing! It’s a no-no in yoga, so I assume it is in meditation as well. I switched to nose breathing, but it wasn’t good.

I had a conversation with my chiropractor yesterday in which he said the healing value of meditation was getting out of the way.

Most of the time I believe something like this, except when I do not know how to get out of my own way. Then it’s screw the theories. Fuck it! I want mercy, and I want it now!

I tried a little mantra . “May I get out of my own way.” It did not resonate. “May I heal.” Better. “May I be well.” Even better.

Still, the fronts of my thighs ached. My sacrum felt weak. The constricted breathing really bugged me. I (gasp!) leaned back against the wall and stretched my legs out in front of me and wiggled them. I thought about giving up, calling it quits early.

From somewhere, I found some compassion.

I’m having a bout of cedar fever for the first time in years. I stayed home Monday and rested, and then I had a very long busy day yesterday. I worked today, not sick, but still full press work. I feel tired.

Then the bell went off.

I’m going to curl up and rest now.

Electric current in my spine

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Went to the new chiropractor this morning. His office is out toward Lake Travis, deep in the cedar-studded hills. I was reacting by the time I got there.

Unexpectedly, he muscle-tested me for airborne allergens and declared me reactive to grass, cedar, and pecan pollen. Then he concocted a homeopathic remedy, which just tastes nasty, although I am happy to say I’m one of the 80 percent for whom it works.

Then to work. Lots of meetings and getting caught up after being out sick a day. Yoga at lunch. I agreed to teach the beginner class on Monday. Another meeting earlier this evening.

Off and on today, sneezing, nasal congestion, and a feeling of inflammation inside my nostrils. It’s annoying and a bit fatiguing. Remembered acupressure points to ease nasal and sinus congestion.

When I was ready to sit, I took the nasty medicine and drank kombucha to allow a more pleasant taste to linger on my taste buds. Sat in the dark in half lotus.

Quiet. Breathe. Dark. Sense body.

I think I feel a current in my spine. Was that a current? Pause. Yes. There is an electric current in my spine. I’ve been taking pulses (my own and others) acupuncture-style, building sensitivity and not wanting to know what the interpretation is. Just a couple of weeks ago I felt a current at my wrist for the first time.

Now I feel the current again, in my spine. It feels like electricity, like when I’ve gotten a mild shock before, but with the intensity knob turned down to barely perceptible. A warm buzz, almost a flow.

Dang. Who’d have guessed there would be so much to be aware of, sitting in silent stillness?

Achoo! Achoo! Okay, okay! Good night!

Beginning

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Home from work today, still wearing pajamas. Woke with sore throat and nose/sinus congestion, and a little muscle ache. Low energy. Decided to call in sick at work.

Before sitting, I did one surya namaskar A. Sat in half-Lotus, ardha padmasana, switching the leg on top about halfway through. Sensations of tightness and achiness moving between foreground and background and out of awareness.

Yoga prepares you for sitting. Most new people who come to yoga need to build strength and flexibility even to sit unsupported for a couple of minutes. They’re used to sitting in chairs and supporting their backs. Sitting on an exercise ball builds strength quickly.

I am exploring sitting positions, building strength and awareness. This will serve my practice in the long haul. This is my practice.

Today I felt joy when I realized that my mind is free during meditation: free to notice what beckons my attention, free to open up and just let it all in, free to focus awareness on my center.

I felt aware of being just a beginner. The waves of breath were solid and comforting.

This is your brain on dharma!

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Just finished sitting. Had planned to meet up with my sangha for an outdoor meditation this morning, which happens once a season. This would have been my first. However, I missed them; did not have specific enough info about place.

I browsed a Goodwill bookstore and bought some used CDs and books, then headed for Starbucks, where the sangha planned to gather after.

It was nice to make some connection with David, John, Sue, William, and one other man whose name I’ve forgotten.

Our conversation was wide-ranging–Hill Country geology, the Appamada web site, the steam train, a bodhidharma photo, Neuro-Linguistic Programming, a documentary about the Lost Boys, a new quick method of trauma recovery that involves positioning the body just so and allowing the muscles to shake, the book Buddha’s Brain, and so much more interesting stuff.

Two things: BookPeople has sold out of Buddha’s Brain, but a truckload is coming out this week. That means the first printing in November sold out really quickly. (I love the description from a reviewer: “This is your brain on dharma!”)

And–It is a rare sunny January afternoon outside.

Today I sat in siddhasana the whole 30 minutes. The five minutes yesterday was a warmup; today I allowed the discomfort to fill my awareness. It quickly faded to background discomfort. It is strange and counterintuitive to go toward pain instead of avoiding it.

But, you know, maybe it just wants attention. “This is new. I’m not used to it. It’s not comfortable.” “Yes, I understand.”

How much has the direction “away from” run my life? Probably a lot more than I feel really good about admitting to!

Ooh. I’m doing it now, aren’t I?

Okay. Avoiding is comfortable. This year of sitting is not just about sitting. It is also about actively exploring my comfort zone.

In the case of tight muscles and fascia, I know that holding a stretch for longer than a couple of minutes brings a deeper, fuller release. I can direct my attention toward discomfort to allow my body to do whatever flows from that. It is a lot smarter than my conscious mind, most of the time.

Sit, eat, blog, run, do yoga

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Quick post today. I sat this morning and am eating while blogging.

(Aside: I just cut open an avocado, and it was flawless, perfect. Wow. I sliced it and am eating it anyway.)

I’m going to a yoga workshop way north at 1:30 and have 15 minutes to write in.

I realized today that committing to sitting every day is training. I work with my body/mind by doing it. I am training my awareness, and also training my body to sit still for 30 minutes with my back erect and unsupported by a chair or wall.

Today I felt pressure on my face, energy pressing to get in or out, I couldn’t tell which. A pleasant sensation. A slight achiness over left brow called my attention briefly. Later, I noticed it had transformed into this pleasant pressure.

If light had a feeling, that’s what the energy feels like.

I sat in siddhasana for about five minutes, left heel stacked above right, pressing into groin. I noticed some good feelings in my left thigh. When discomfort kept pulling my attention, I moved into sukhasana.

I remembered a yoga technique that was helpful toward the end of the session, when I was feeling the weight of my upper body pressing down where my spine meets my sacrum.

On an inhalation, let the upper body rise as if the lungs are a helium balloon. This puts space between the vertebrae and creates the sensation of lightness in the upper body.

On the exhalation, stay floating. Keep doing this.

First I became aware of discomfort. I spent a little time accepting it, just feeling it, noticing the quality that my mind labels “unpleasant”. Just that lessens it.

And then I found a way to move discomfort into ease. Dukha to sukha.

The power of thought

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I sat this morning, then went to my monthly cranio-sacral therapy session, then to work. After work, came home, fed cats, changed clothes, and went for a walk at dusk. Sat in car for 10 minutes before going to the first night of a weekend Contact Improvisation and Vipassana workshop.

So it has been hours, or a lifetime, since I sat this morning.

The main thing I remember is that I attended to my back some more. I realized what a marvel the lumbar vertebrae in particular are. They are big and strong, like a tree trunk. They support the weight of the upper body, with a bit of help from the abdominal muscles in front.

Nina was working with S2, a sacral nerve, again. The sacrum has embryological sutures, where plates of hard bone connect. Nerves come through it. My S2 has been recalcitrant, difficult.

She was curious–what did I know about my birth? First child, born 7 weeks early, weighed 4 lbs. 1 oz., amidst fear I wouldn’t survive. Doctor wanted to keep me in the hospital, but a nurse gave me to my mother to breast-feed, and once the milk started, they couldn’t stop it, so I went home with my mother a week later.

Nina thought the nurse probably knew what I needed.

My mother said when I was about 7 weeks old, one day my energy was different, like I was ready to be born, only I had already been born.

Nina asked me what conclusions I could draw. In hindsight, I must have been pretty tough for such a tiny little baby. I experienced 7 weeks of life outside the womb when most babies are still inside. I don’t know if it was overwhelming to me.

I was an adventurer perhaps, and clearly a survivor.

The power of thought: May whatever is holding S2 back be reassured that it’s okay to come out now and experience its full glorious expression. I made it. I am HERE.