Trauma releasing exercises

Update: In Feb. 2011, I started my Chronic Stress and Trauma Recovery Challenge. Click the link to read about it. If you’ve done them even once, I’d love for you to comment on your experience(s).

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I wrote about them in my earlier post entitled “Another Book Influences Meditation,” about the book The Revolutionary Trauma Release Process by David Berceli.

I’ve been doing David Berceli’s trauma releasing exercises a couple of times a week for over a month now. This morning I did them and changed it up a bit: during the seventh exercise, when I was lying on my back, knees bent, soles on floor, my legs were cycling through bouts of shaking and stillness. During the still periods, I could feel an electric current running through my legs, and then the shaking would begin again.

This time on impulse, I raised my forearms straight up and just gave my hands a little shake. Immediately, involuntary shaking began in my forearms, which lasted some time. Even when my legs cycled into stillness, my forearms kept shaking.

(Note: When I spontaneously released the blockages from an old trauma while reading Waking the Tiger, my forearms as well as my legs shook, and there was a pins-and-needles sensation from the elbows down and the waist down. Haven’t encountered that sensation again.)

Then I raised my entire arms from the shoulders, and man, they just took off with the shaking. Eventually my right shoulder, but not my left, was also shaking.

This without deliberately stressing my arm muscles the  way I do my leg muscles to incite shaking.

I shook for 20 minutes, and then I meditated.

Soon I realized that the parts of my body that had been shaking (legs, arms, and right shoulder) felt distinctively different from the parts that didn’t shake. The shaken parts felt lighter and cleaner, as if something heavy and a little murky had cleared out of my body.

Further incentive to keep doing these — I would like to experience all the parts of  my body shaking, releasing stress and trauma, and feeling light and clean again.

The Q’ero believe only humans accumulate hucha. They remove it using breathing techniques. The Q’ero probably have never encountered anything like the stressful lives we modern Americans live. (I mentioned hucha and breathing techniques in an earlier post called “Body Scanning Practices.”)

Trauma releasing exercises release vast amounts of hucha.

They also have an effect similar to Carlos Casteneda’s description of recapitulation — you release “other” unclean energy and reclaim “your” clean energy, but without having to dredge up memories one by one and fan your head back and forth with your breathing.

No images, no sounds, no words are required with Berceli’s exercises. They are a purely kinesthetic way of releasing hucha/trauma.

That makes them elegant and accessible.

And so to celebrate…

After missing a day of meditation on Monday, I didn’t intend to celebrate, but today I realized it is as worthy of celebrating as anything!

I missed a day. What a load off! Now the world knows I’m not perfect. Whee! It feels like a breakthrough!

So today I was at White Crane Pharmacy and bought myself a new crescent-shaped zafu and a zabuton, which I’ve never had before, instead using a couple of folded Mexican blankets for cushioning under my zafu.

My new zafu and zabuton are beautiful. Made by Hugger Mugger, the yoga supply company, the zafu is covered in a foliage print in shades of brown, and the zabuton has a different foliage print in shades of light green and pale blue. Both are 100% cotton.

Fall and spring, yoga and meditation, crescent and square, their energies complement each other in a most aesthetically pleasing way.

When I sat today on the new zafu, I noticed that my sit bones were elevated considerably higher than on my old zafu. My legs naturally fell into siddhasana, which I have learned is also called Burmese-style. It’s like cross-legged but with the uncrossed feet in front, nestling next to each other.

I had an acupuncture session at the AOMA student clinic today. 30 needles! Released lots of gallbladder stagnation in the lower left leg, feel much better now. I decided I couldn’t wait to get in to see my regular acupuncturist. I got to talk to a 4th year student there about what it’s like.

Then I had lunch with my yoga teacher, Eleanor Harris, who is the yoga teacher I give the most credit to for helping me really “get” yoga in my body. Not to mention, she’s just a very wonderful, kind, giving person.

She’s certified to train yoga teachers, and together we are designing a yoga teacher training program that meets Yoga Alliance standards and yet is suitable for someone like me who has practiced for 12 years and picked up a lot during that time.

Then a nice visit with my friend Clarita, seeing her beautiful home and first garden ever. I know she’s gonna love gardening. I helped her find out information online about visiting the Strongheart school in Liberia, learning about that country and what shots she will need to travel there. Nice reciprocation there–she appreciates my online skills, and I appreciate her love of beauty, which shows up in her home and garden.

Then home to find my new massage table had arrived! A gift to myself from my income tax refund. Lots to learn…

All in all, it’s been a good day.

Second breakthrough

My second big breakthrough in this year of meditating for 30 minutes each day has evolved over the past few days, and I am still integrating it. I can’t say exactly what it’s about yet because it’s a process that must unfold over time, and I don’t want to blindside anyone who’s significantly involved.

This deserves my care and attention, and that means keeping it close until I am clear how to proceed with [what I think are] everyone’s best interests in mind, as best I can.

So, I’m sorry, dear readers, that I can’t say more right now. I am looking forward to the time (hopefully in the next couple of months) when I can just blurt it out and let the world know!

This breakthrough is different from the first breakthrough, which was a shift in my point of view. This one  involves actually making some big changes in interacting with the world.

Change within followed by change without.

I feel excited! I feel a little intimidated but not scared. There are a lot of details to be worked out. Say a prayer and send loving energy if you feel so inclined.

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Speaking of readers, as of today there have been 607 hits on this blog. Thank you! Thank you! THANK YOU!

I haven’t gotten any feedback on my decision to slow down on posting. If you want to share your opinion, give feedback, ask questions, make comments, it’s pretty easy to leave a comment. I believe you can even be anonymous. I read them all, delete the ones that are obviously spam, and approve the others for posting. Pretty simple.

I’d love to hear from you, even just a hello.

The marvel of awareness

Nothing too memorable about my zazen this morning, just marveling that everything I experience is inside awareness. Everything I experience is awareness. Experience is awareness.

Who can even know how big awareness actually is? Maybe you, I, and everything in the universe, material and immaterial, every thought, feeling, idea, and dream, are made of awareness. Or maybe we are awareness.

Maybe the universe is awareness, and each of us is an instrument of its awareness. Whether we want to or not! Whether we try to or not! Whether we’re awake or not!

I understand those pictures of deities with a thousand eyes all over their bodies now. They are trying to convey this specific awareness.

Now the question is, how is it that we can not notice this? It’s like there’s been a conspiracy to make all other kinds of things important, and that’s where I spent my attention. Where I spent my life.

But this has been the underlying truth all along. Just waiting for me to recognize it. Like that dream I had years ago, where I was watching some people dancing, and they were dancing because I was watching. Reciprocal awareness.

We are swimming in awareness all the time! All 7 billion of us humans. Not to mention plants and rocks and soil and air and stardust. All aware.

Ah! Existence is awareness!

Now try this: re-read this and every time I wrote the word “awareness,” substitute the words “being aware”.

Awareness is everything

Awareness is everything.

Okay, I’m going to bed.

Being present in my own life more

Ha! I am just this minute getting off the zafu. Just as the pain in my hips really got to me, and I thought, “I have to move — this is unbearable,” the chimes went off. The pain had been mostly in the background until that moment. Little victory dance!

It’s been about six weeks since I began meditating daily. I’ve written about my experiences on the mat, the insights gained.

Today I want to convey more about my experiences off the zafu — how meditation has carried over into my non-sitting life.

It hasn’t solved my problems or made them go away. Well, maybe some minor problems became non-problems, while others have become clearer, standing out in more relief.

It does seem to have given me more faith that when it’s time to make decisions, I will make the right decisions. I have less trepidation about going through life. I am an Enneagram type 5, a fear-based person. This is a good thing, people.

Meditation may have changed how I relate to time. It feels like there’s more “now”, that time passes more slowly, or it may be that I notice more. Noticing more on the mat extends to off-the-mat awareness as well.

I seem to have more patience, more ability to allow moments to unfold, without jumping to conclusions or having knee-jerk reactions. Not that I never do that any more! Not at all. But I do that less, and I stay present more.

This feels like a kind of grace to me. A slow, ineffable, deepening, widening process of getting in touch with my own humanness is occurring, concomitant with becoming a daily meditator.

I don’t want to miss out on my own life any more, the life that happens when you’re making other plans, you know?

It’s working.

Falling in love with awareness

I sat early this morning, before work. Long busy day, just now having time to post. Feeling tired, so this will be short.

Don’t remember details of this morning’s sit. Just that then, and later in the day, and even now as I think about it, I feel like I am falling in love with awareness.

It’s a subtle yet major shift in my universe, to understand that awareness is everything. From that realization, an unveiling is slowly taking place. I can’t hurry it or even describe it right now.

I can only ooh and ahh as the process unfolds.

Going to bed now. Can’t wait to sit again tomorrow.

The elephant is in my living room, but I can’t see all of it yet

Meditated this evening, after work, errands, dinner. Feeling a little achy during session and now. Hip joints, left SI joint, adhesions in left thigh, left trapezius.

Chandler Collins, DC, says we’re moving towards him adjusting my left ilium, and that 95% of the time, it’s a permanent adjustment. It’s almost unbelievable that this end is in sight. My body has been twisted up for decades, and it’s taken over a decade to get to this point of untwisting.

I expect to feel less pain on the zafu and off.

Today’s body scan again was about releasing muscle tension, and it took some time.

During sitting, I felt drawn to my second chakra/dan tien/hara, noticing the rise and fall of my lower belly with each breath. I have an OM tattooed there. Long story, and now’s not the time to tell it.

Whole body awareness. Awareness through the whole body. Awareness with the whole body. Awareness is the whole body is awareness. Awareness is existence, is being, is experience.

Awareness seems both personal and impersonal. Personal in that it’s my body/mind, this body/mind experiencing the wonder of itself–these eyes, ears, this skin, this nervous system at work, this vastness of all that is. Impersonal in that it’s so vast, and so much is beyond my control.

Of course I’m familiar with the concept of oneness. At various times, I’ve experienced various degrees of merging. But it never occurred to me until these last several days that awareness unifies existence.

It’s still too big for me to really grok. I’m still looking at it sideways. I don’t think I’ve really seen the whole elephant yet. But I know it’s in my living room!

The elephant in the living room: awareness is everything

Meditated after work today. I remembered something my teacher said, that technique is something people make too much of.

The important thing is to sit. It doesn’t really matter if your eyes are open or closed, or if your mouth is closed or open, or exactly where your tongue is, or what mudra your hands are in, or how you sit–in sukhasana, siddhasana, ardha padmasanavajrasana, or in a chair leaning against the back.

Just sit. Pick a way that works well enough that you will actually do it.

And, she says, sitting still for a length of time creates pain, the kind of aches and tightness that arise for me toward the end of the session, sometimes earlier. That is part of the experience. You deal with it.

In the end it’s just another thought.

Today I sat after work. My left upper trapezius was tense and sore from stress and computer work. I spent some time attending to it, soothing it, releasing the tension, breathing into it, encouraging circulation and softening into it. It took a good half of my time.

Then there are the implications of awareness being everything. That’s a profound shift. It feels like I’ve discovered a secret, something that felt like a taboo when it first occurred to me.

Now there’s an elephant in the living room. What does it mean?

Well, here’s a start. Pat Robertson and Baby Doc Duvalier exist in my awareness. How can I think of them as other again?  My unkind thoughts about them are plainly and simply unkind thoughts in my awareness.

All I know about dealing with that is to love the person, judge the behavior. Easier said than done, sometimes.

I welcome hearing how you deal with this issue.