Sitting tonight, just now, in ardha padmasana, half lotus, I felt pressure about my head, heart, and hands, as if some external force was holding my body in place.

It was as if my body fit exactly into a hole in some kind of benevolent force field that had more force in those three areas of my body.

Then, mind wandering, images of large fish swimming around me, brushing up against me.

Later, some pain, going into the pain, inquiring into it, being patient with it. Feeling it as a structure that provides stability. I only felt it on the left side of my body — it is serving some purpose of providing stability.

Then pain in that place dissolved, while pain elsewhere arose.

I notice I seem to have settled on half lotus as the best pose for me at this time. I can hold it for 30 minutes. I also alternate the top leg.

Good night.

Sitting this morning, I noticed that when I sit, it doesn’t take long for pain somewhere in my body to come to my attention.

Could it be an artifact of how I usually pay attention? Beta waves? Intriguing concept, but I don’t have a way to know.

Anyone got a good used biofeedback machine for sale? I’m not joking. I’d love to play with getting feedback on my brain wave patterns.

Am I looking for the pain? I don’t think so. Maybe it’s more that when I close my eyes and my internal dialogue stops, I become aware of my body — specifically aware of the places that are feeling pain because those sensations are most intense.

And  yet they are parts of a whole body-mind system.

I reminded myself that there were vast areas of my body that were not feeling any pain. I gave some attention to them. What does it feel like to not feel pain?

At first, I didn’t feel much of anything. Just “normal,” whatever that is. Then I noticed that I particularly felt strong in the core of my body — from my sit bones up through the center of my torso, neck, and head, it felt as if a nice strong column was holding me up. Being yoga! Yes!

The areas that do feel pain are usually small. A twinge here, a pulling sensation here. Rarely are they larger than a muscle, and usually they seem to be part of a muscle or an adhesion in the fascia that separates muscles. Rather, the nerves associated with those places are what feels pain, or so I’ve been taught.

Learning about pain is part of yoga. If you stop stretching as soon as it feels uncomfortable, you will not lengthen your muscles and become flexible and open up your meridians. In yoga, with time, you learn to recognize when pain is telling you, “Hey! Back off!” and when it is telling you, “Just breathe and hold this a little bit longer, and that muscle will release.”

I suppose it is the same with meditation. Pain may be one of those frequent visitors to the guesthouse. How can we become more at ease with each other?

I feel grateful and astonished that I have a nervous system that works! What a miracle that is, one of the myriad miracles under our very noses all the time. Just like the miracle that most of my body isn’t feeling pain!

One of my friends posted on Facebook last night that she was cooking, had an ear out for her baby, was thinking about how to improve her job prospects, wanting to finish a book she was reading, thinking about doing some yoga… Then she added that she was a pure vata Gemini.

I don’t know about being a Gemini–my daughter and granddaughter have a lot of it in their charts, but I don’t (I’m an Aquarius, also an air sign).

I do know about vata, because that’s my dosha too.

If you’re not familiar, doshas are another of those ancient Hindu bits of wisdom. Doshas are kind of like temperament, and there are three of them. Everyone has all three, but one usually predominates.

Balancing the doshas is what ayurveda is about–when our doshas are unbalanced, our health suffers. Diet, yoga, and meditation all play a role in balancing the doshas.

The other two doshas are kapha and pitta. You can google them and read all about them online. I just want to talk about vata.

People in whom vata predominates experience mental quickness and are excitable and irregular in habits. (You may have noticed that I don’t sit at the same time every day.)

Vatas are full of joy and enthusiasm when in balance. Yay!!! In stress, we respond with fear, worry, and anxiety.  😦

“Often have racing, disjointed thoughts.”

This is monkey mind on speed for people who aren’t vatas. It’s like reading unfiltered Twitter, only it’s happening in your head.

For me, at times monkey mind operates too fast to really catch anything. Then the part of me who is witnessing just waits, and eventually monkey mind slows down and gets in sync. I found this skill on my own. It’s a keeper.

It’s important for vatas to know that not everyone has this kind of monkey mind. Some people can easily turn off their internal dialogue.

If you are vata-predominant, “Meditate every day for deep relaxation.”

Okay, I can check that off my list of things to do. I’m doin’ it!

“An effort to establish a regular routine is very important for all people with a vata body type.”

Ooh, I kind of knew that was coming. So… on Monday, I will begin to sit early in the morning. And you and I shall see what difference it may make.

Home from work today, still wearing pajamas. Woke with sore throat and nose/sinus congestion, and a little muscle ache. Low energy. Decided to call in sick at work.

Before sitting, I did one surya namaskar A. Sat in half-Lotus, ardha padmasana, switching the leg on top about halfway through. Sensations of tightness and achiness moving between foreground and background and out of awareness.

Yoga prepares you for sitting. Most new people who come to yoga need to build strength and flexibility even to sit unsupported for a couple of minutes. They’re used to sitting in chairs and supporting their backs. Sitting on an exercise ball builds strength quickly.

I am exploring sitting positions, building strength and awareness. This will serve my practice in the long haul. This is my practice.

Today I felt joy when I realized that my mind is free during meditation: free to notice what beckons my attention, free to open up and just let it all in, free to focus awareness on my center.

I felt aware of being just a beginner. The waves of breath were solid and comforting.

Just finished sitting. Had planned to meet up with my sangha for an outdoor meditation this morning, which happens once a season. This would have been my first. However, I missed them; did not have specific enough info about place.

I browsed a Goodwill bookstore and bought some used CDs and books, then headed for Starbucks, where the sangha planned to gather after.

It was nice to make some connection with David, John, Sue, William, and one other man whose name I’ve forgotten.

Our conversation was wide-ranging–Hill Country geology, the Appamada web site, the steam train, a bodhidharma photo, Neuro-Linguistic Programming, a documentary about the Lost Boys, a new quick method of trauma recovery that involves positioning the body just so and allowing the muscles to shake, the book Buddha’s Brain, and so much more interesting stuff.

Two things: BookPeople has sold out of Buddha’s Brain, but a truckload is coming out this week. That means the first printing in November sold out really quickly. (I love the description from a reviewer: “This is your brain on dharma!”)

And–It is a rare sunny January afternoon outside.

Today I sat in siddhasana the whole 30 minutes. The five minutes yesterday was a warmup; today I allowed the discomfort to fill my awareness. It quickly faded to background discomfort. It is strange and counterintuitive to go toward pain instead of avoiding it.

But, you know, maybe it just wants attention. “This is new. I’m not used to it. It’s not comfortable.” “Yes, I understand.”

How much has the direction “away from” run my life? Probably a lot more than I feel really good about admitting to!

Ooh. I’m doing it now, aren’t I?

Okay. Avoiding is comfortable. This year of sitting is not just about sitting. It is also about actively exploring my comfort zone.

In the case of tight muscles and fascia, I know that holding a stretch for longer than a couple of minutes brings a deeper, fuller release. I can direct my attention toward discomfort to allow my body to do whatever flows from that. It is a lot smarter than my conscious mind, most of the time.

Quick post today. I sat this morning and am eating while blogging.

(Aside: I just cut open an avocado, and it was flawless, perfect. Wow. I sliced it and am eating it anyway.)

I’m going to a yoga workshop way north at 1:30 and have 15 minutes to write in.

I realized today that committing to sitting every day is training. I work with my body/mind by doing it. I am training my awareness, and also training my body to sit still for 30 minutes with my back erect and unsupported by a chair or wall.

Today I felt pressure on my face, energy pressing to get in or out, I couldn’t tell which. A pleasant sensation. A slight achiness over left brow called my attention briefly. Later, I noticed it had transformed into this pleasant pressure.

If light had a feeling, that’s what the energy feels like.

I sat in siddhasana for about five minutes, left heel stacked above right, pressing into groin. I noticed some good feelings in my left thigh. When discomfort kept pulling my attention, I moved into sukhasana.

I remembered a yoga technique that was helpful toward the end of the session, when I was feeling the weight of my upper body pressing down where my spine meets my sacrum.

On an inhalation, let the upper body rise as if the lungs are a helium balloon. This puts space between the vertebrae and creates the sensation of lightness in the upper body.

On the exhalation, stay floating. Keep doing this.

First I became aware of discomfort. I spent a little time accepting it, just feeling it, noticing the quality that my mind labels “unpleasant”. Just that lessens it.

And then I found a way to move discomfort into ease. Dukha to sukha.

Today I waited until evening to sit. Waited for the band next door to end its rehearsal. Worked in my kitchen while waiting. Finally they finished. Same song as last time.

Started sitting in virasana (hero’s pose) supported by the zafu, then about halfway through switched to baddha konasana (bound angle) so that feeling could return to my feet and ankles.

My lumbar area did feel better at the end of the 30 minutes than it does when I sit in sukhasana (easy pose). In Sanskrit, sukha means ease, and dukha means suffering. I have also heard these words translated as expansion and contraction.

So when I sit, I can just switch to a different sitting posture to transform dukha into sukha!

“Whole body awareness” has morphed into awareness centered in my living, changing body-mind system. My attention wanders from the narrow (that ringing in my ears) to broad (all the sounds coming into my ears), narrow (the tingling in my ear canals), broad (darkness), narrow (the point between my eyebrows), broad (feeling vibrant), narrow (traffic noise), and so on.

Internal, external, narrow, broad, sight, sound, feeling–awareness slides through the twelve states of attention without much stickiness. These are patterns in a background of awareness.

Awareness is like the x between instances of attending. When I become conscious of it, x shifts to being an object of attention.

This is very, very sad to me. I really enjoy the x between instances of attending when I can just be in it. I feel so alive and vibrant and full of love when I’m in this state.

I miss it when it’s gone. I don’t know how to make it happen, which is probably a good thing or I might be doing it all the time!

I wonder if this is maybe a little bit what heroin addiction is like.