The end of a hero’s journey

It’s a drizzly day here in Central Texas. I drove on wet country roads to get to a women’s silent retreat, because I needed a few hours to simply be with myself peacefully in a quiet environment and allow what wants to arise to arise.

On the last day of November, 2023, I completed a foundation training in Craniosacral Biodynamics that started in September 2021. Ten four-day seminars in Silver Spring MD near Washington DC, meeting and exceeding the requirements for giving and receiving sessions, reporting to and receiving supervision from teaching assistants, writing a research paper on the cranial nerves, taking a four-hour test…

I put a lot into it and got a lot out of it, and I’m pleased with the work that I did to embed doing this bodywork modality deeply into my system.

I’m healthier for it, I’m able to do so much more for my clients, and my practice has grown.

My desire to undertake this training arose during COVID. I didn’t work for the first six months after the initial lockdowns, and when I went back to work it was only one or two days a week until April 2021 when a lot of people had been vaxxed and felt comfortable coming in for (overdue) bodywork.

I had received unemployment benefits and stimulus checks, my expenses were low, and I had a lot of time on my hands when so many people were getting sick, some dying or getting long COVID.

It was a sobering time. I did my end-of-life paperwork and reflected on what I’d really like to do with my life, given the opportunity and capability to make a difference.

I knew my skills as a craniosacral therapist could deepen. I’d had training in both Upledger and Biodynamics styles of craniosacral therapy. I’d thought about getting more training in Biodynamics before, but it never seemed like the right time, affordable, convenient, so I kept blowing it off.

During COVID in spring 2021, I got clear: I wanted to study Craniosacral Biodynamics, doing a full foundation training with a seasoned teacher. I was pretty sure which teacher I wanted to work with, got confirmation on that from a more experienced therapist who’d met this teacher, applied for his next training (which happened to be in DC), and was accepted.

It was a good decision. The teacher was beyond excellent and had three experienced full-fledged Biodynamics teachers assisting him. I don’t know that I could have asked for anything more. Well, perhaps not having to travel.

I did as many Biodynamics sessions as I could, and my practice grew. In addition to my private practice, I began working in an integrative medical clinic.

I did as many trades with other Biodynamics grads as I could and received professional sessions as well, averaging 2 sessions a month over the course of the training. Fortunately, I had a highly experienced practitioner in the office next to mine to answer my practical questions.

I experienced several other challenges doing the training. We wore masks indoors for the first few seminars, and of course in airports and on planes.

I made the trip halfway across the country and back nine times, opting to do one of the middle seminars on video at home when my energy was depleted.

Unaccustomed to business travel and not a frequent leisure traveler by air, the crowded airports and planes were a shock at first. I got TSA Pre-Check and later took a fellow introvert’s advice about how to do business travel with the least amount of stress, and it helped a lot. I feel more ease with business travel now.

I stayed in various AirBnBs in the DC area. Most were okay, some barely tolerable, one felt haunted (or maybe I was more sensitive), one was excellent but only a one-time possibility. I stayed in a hostel midway through and in a hotel for the last two seminars. I used the Metro to get around at first and was fascinated by it, but later took ride-shares between Reagan airport and found lodging in walking distance of the training.

It was lonely, being so far away from home in a place I was unfamiliar with. I made friends with my classmates, but I was on my own after class and sometimes felt acutely lonely. I loved my time in the classroom and appreciated every bit of kindness and connection from those associated with the training, but sometimes the rest of it was really hard.

I’m definitely not an East Coast person, and I had a new appreciation for being embedded in my central Texas community — I know I’ll always have meaningful connections here.

Being adventurous, I explored the wide variety of cuisines in downtown Silver Spring: Thai, Korean, Senegalese, Ethiopian, Vietnamese, Nepalese, Japanese, Spanish-influenced Mexican, something similar to Tex-Mex, diner, upscale American.

Air travel was easier and less expensive when I left and returned on Saturdays, and class was Monday through Thursday, so I had extra time to explore DC. I took the Metro to the Mall and visited art museums and admired the gardens. Another time, I saw the Phillips Collection. I went to the Lincoln Memorial during cherry blossom time.

Toward the end, I rented a car and took day trips to Annapolis and the Chesapeake Bay, and to Gettysburg and Harpers Ferry, just to see the countryside around DC.

A really difficult challenge happened in April 2022. I was in an automobile accident that totalled my car, and even though I wasn’t seriously injured, the effect on my nervous system was substantial.

I wondered why I couldn’t just get it together afterwards. Then I saw a post in an online Upledger group, wondering why people can have, say, shoulder surgery and be fine in a few months, but it can take 1-3 years to fully recover from an automobile accident.

Part of it is the shock. Surgeries are usually planned and can be life-saving. No one plans a car accident and you’re going to be worse off.

My autonomic nervous system experienced a dire threat. I could have lost control of my car and ended up seriously injured or dead. I could have seriously injured others, too — four cars were involved.

Humans are simply not meant to go from 65 mph to zero with impact in 5 seconds or less without repercussions. Every cell is affected. Not only did I feel stiff and unsettled, I felt buzzy electrical energy leaving my body for a few months after the accident.

It took my nervous system 11 months to recover energetically from the accident, and that’s with the help of physical therapy/yoga therapy exercises, giving and receiving Biodynamics sessions, and doing regular qi gong and meditation.

I know I did the best I could to protect myself and others from serious injury, but the person who failed to secure a ladder before driving at high speed in the middle lane of a freeway initiated the whole 4-car accident. They were never identified. My insurance went up, and someone is supposedly suing me, although I haven’t been served any papers yet. Thank goodness for the guard rail I slammed into.

The Supreme Court ruling overturning Roe v Wade also happened when I was in DC, not long after the accident, and I read about this far-right court’s desire to overturn gay and interracial marriage and outlaw birth control…a direct threat to the happiness of my family and countless others.

I experienced outrage…and depression. No government should have the right to make these decisions for individuals.

I met a man in person last November after messaging with him. He gave me a book I was interested in. We took it slowly, getting to know each other, and our friendship evolved into boyfriend-girlfriend status a few months later. It’s been a bright spot this year.

The last major challenge was learning I was going to have to move in February 2023. I felt settled in my trailer park. I didn’t want to move. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to find a new location or sell the trailer. After going back and forth on it several times, I ended up selling it and moving in with my sweet boyfriend in Wimberley in August. It’s going well.

Even the 35 mile commutes to work in Austin, driving on two-lane scenic Hill Country roads, are pleasant and restorative.

Being in the classroom and then employing new skills in my practice after each class were bright spots. I look forward to continuing to grow my skills and understanding and hopefully to contribute something to this field.

Doing this training was a true hero’s journey. I met allies, had mentors, encountered dragons, was a dragon, was tried and tested in several ways, and I came through it, completing my mission, transformed and changed.

Now, to enjoy some spaciousness as “what’s next” begins to show up. 

Whole body awareness with HeartMath sensor: 88 percent high coherence!

I did something different in my Biodynamic Meditation this morning.

I stayed with whole body awareness during my 45-minute session.

I didn’t put much effort into labeling what was happening.

I just felt my life force moving within my body and field, and it felt great.

And wow! So much life force moving within me!

I noticed how pleasurable it was to simply be aware of my life force energy for that entire period of time.

I clipped my HeartMath sensor to my earlobe and set up the Inner Balance app for a session again.

I was in high coherence 88 percent of the time today.

I could see on the report that HeartMath displays after completing a session how my coherence fluctuated. It’s never a straight line. It is always changing.

I just signed up for a HeartMath training called The Resilient Heart: Trauma-Sensitive HeartMath Certification. I so love learning how we can influence the autonomic nervous system since there’s just so much unhealthy stress in most of our lives.

Let’s change that. Change that, change the world.

Re-Sourcing for change and challenges ahead

“Life and death are of supreme importance. Time swiftly passes by and opportunity is lost. Each of us should strive to awaken. Awaken. Take heed, do not squander your life.” ~ Dogen Zenji

This quote from Dogen has stayed with me from my early Zen days, and I’m finding it handy when life presents challenges.

Yesterday I learned that I may need to find a new place to live in the coming months.

This morning, my adored one messaged he’d started having symptoms of COVID. I’ve been exposed. I’ve escaped it so far, one of the few.

Here I sit with change, hoping for the best outcomes on all counts, holding confidence in that.

My Biodynamic Meditation was deep. Breaths, posture, radiance at my face, Tide in central energy channel. Healing energy in pelvis, heart center, ajna chakra, balancing my instinctive, emotional, and mental centers.

The healing energy knows I need to be resourceful. It knows!

Sometimes in Craniosacral Biodynamics sessions, the practitioner’s head involuntarily nods, from brainwaves heading into delta territory.

That happened, too. Delta, change.

One Day It Stopped

Love in the time of the coronavirus

A Facebook friend posted this poem three days ago. Asenath Avinash is also a bodyworker. Her place of employment is currently closed, but if you love this as much as I do, you could ask for her when they reopen. http://www.workwellaustin.com/

It’s a good reflection of the shift in the narrative many of us are experiencing now.

And we looked around,
and we saw ourselves,
and it was so funny, so strange
to recognize, not the selves we had
built, but the ones that were buried
out in the long backyard of our lives,
forgotten, rusted, decomposing,
presumed lost, presumed even
never to have existed,
but there they were, just like the
canal-bottoms in Venice,
waiting for us, never having gone,
never having left,
and the miracle
was being able to see clearly
what was already there.

The miracle was how quickly
the pollution vanished,
and our eyes healed,
and we looked out on a world
that was fresh and different
and we saw that businesswomen
were really poets,
and that scientists were really prophets,
and that we were all vulnerable
and worth protecting,
and that toilet paper
was a kind of false security,
and that all our systems
needed a pause and
a fresh start
and that most of us
were really, very tired.

And we rested,
and our children wondered
what is happening right now?
and we couldn’t answer.
We weren’t supposed to
touch anything
or do any work
or go anywhere,
and it felt that we were
being shown something.

So we stayed at home, and
we mowed the tall grass
and listened to birds
and gave thanks
for the garbage collectors
and the grocery clerks,
and we organized our closets
and made pots of nutritious soup,
and the introverts
turned their cameras on
and taught us
how to make crafts,
and the musicians
picked up their instruments
and walked out
their front doors
and sang in the streets,
and nothing stopped them,
not cars, not fear, and no one
thought they were lunatics,
in fact, we thanked them,
we came outside to listen
standing far apart,
and feeling our interconnection.

We understood
that something so profound
was taking place,
and that if it went on
long enough, the fireflies
would come back
into our yards
and the ladybugs
and the milky way.
The earth herself
was waking up quietly,
or rather, we were,
and we saw that maybe
we didn’t need so much
after all, maybe
in this new world, we’d find
new careers
or they would find us
if we let them,
and we wanted to
stay put and be still and
feel it out
moment by moment.
We didn’t want to touch it
with our clumsy hands
or make plans or
disturb anything,
and so we just watched it
breathing softly
and steadily
like a precious newborn.

And we knew that,
at some point,
it would probably start up again,
which was confusing,
because, yes,
we did need money,
or so we had always believed.

-AAvinash, 3/24/20

Checking in

Love in the time of coronavirus

Today is Day 2 of sheltering in place in Austin, Texas. We had 119 known cases as of last night (but no deaths so far), and we know the virus is being transmitted in the community. No one I know has it so far, that I’ve heard, but friends and relatives of friends do. The number of cases will almost certainly go up over the next two or three weeks. The hope is that then the number of cases will start declining because of first, social distancing, and now, sheltering in place.

For me, this means staying home, which I have been since Saturday, and for the week before, my outings were rare. I’ve ordered groceries online and picked them up. I have a wonderful daughter who can pick items up and bring them to me. I have groceries enough to last for at least a week, and I’m keeping a list on the fridge door of the items I run out of that I can get next time I shop (which will probably be online to be delivered or picked up curbside, but I do have a mask and gloves in case I need to venture inside a store). My fridge, freezer, and nonperishable shelves are full.

I feel pretty good about my chances of getting through this without getting sick, or of being mildly ill if I do get it. I had a cold in October that was mild and lasted two days, and I couldn’t remember how long it had been since I’d previously had a cold. My immune system is robust.

However, it’s unpredictable. I’m in the 60+ population and therefore considered at risk. I do yoga and dance regularly (now doing these online), I eat healthy (organic unprocessed food mostly), and I meditate, which helps keep my nervous system more balanced rather than going into stress, which is hard on the immune system. I’m working on improving my sleep, getting more deep and REM sleep according to my Fitbit.

I take really high quality supplements from Premier Research Labs and Wellevate. (I have practitioner accounts with both that you can order through if you wish.) I have homeopathic remedies on hand too. I have health insurance should I need it, and I hope that if I do, the health care system isn’t overwhelmed and can tend to me. I’m very very fortunate and grateful.

Y’all, no one is immune. This virus targets humankind. It’s a great equalizer. It doesn’t respect fame, power, talent, or riches. Movie stars, professional athletes, famous artists, royalty, and politicians have come down with it. Because it’s novel, no one has immunity, except those who have completely recovered from it.

I’m hearing people say things like “What a year this past week has been” and “there are many days in a day.” We’re in a time of rapid change.

I believe when this pandemic is over, some aspects of our lives will not go back to the way they were. This will influence people living through it for the rest of our lives. We will not take our health for granted. We will better understand the relationship between lifestyle and health. We will require that our governments take actions that support our health over corporate profits.

Dead people don’t buy stuff.

I hope the biggest takeaway is that we humans are ALL connected through our humanity. We are all dependent on this planet for our lives. Maybe we will treat each other, and our home planet, much better.

Blessings for health, immunity, resiliency, resourcefulness, and connection. 💚🙏🏽

How to stop touching your face

It’s harder than you think, isn’t it? You’re still going to do it because it’s mostly an unconscious gesture. But there are things you can do to change this habit and protect yourself, and it’s important to stay healthy and keep others healthy.

Carry tissues or a handkerchief (remember those?) with you always, or wear a scarf or Buff around your neck. (I love Buffs. You can pull them up over your nose and mouth, keep your hair out of your face, keep your neck warm, protect your thyroid from WiFi/5G, etc.)

Buff

As soon as you become aware of touching your face, immediately repeat the same gesture but with a tissue, handkerchief, scarf, or Buff over your fingers.

This will work much better than “don’t touch your face” to train you to become more aware of touching your face! When we hear “don’t x” we hear the action “x” more clearly than we hear “don’t”. An action is something to do, even when we desire not to do it!

So you’ll touch your face unprotected, and then touch your face protected. And…what’s been unconscious becomes conscious.

Keep doing this, and with repetition, you will remember that you want to just touch your face with protection, and you will begin to omit touching your face unprotected.

The more you do it, the more the habit becomes ingrained.

Wishing you all the best in these trying times.

Free habit tracker for 2019

If you’re anything like me, you like to start off a new year by focusing on what you want to change in your life. January seems like a great month for doing that, after the excesses of the holidays. It’s time to get grounded again, look within, think about what you want for yourself in the coming year, and begin to manifest it.

You probably have some bigger goals (travel, education, remodeling) and smaller ones (eat healthier, drink more water, exercise, study, read, meditate, etc.).

For tracking my daily activities, I really like this free downloadable monthly habit tracker from Clementine Creative, which I’ve used for several years. You can print it in different sizes (A4, A5, US Letter, etc.). Then circle the month, add the days of the week (S M T W TH F S) across the top, and list the habits you want to track down the side. Print 12 copies, put them in a binder or on a clipboard, and use the fun office supplies of your choice to track the habits you want to cultivate.

This page has it all.

free printable habit tracker from Clementine Creative
Blank.
example of filled out Habit Tracker from Clementine Creative
Personalized.

Now you can get an editable version where you fill in the days of the week and the habits you want to track before printing, instead of printing first and writing them in by hand. That version is $3.50 USD.

Also, here’s something I’ve learned from experience. If you are the kind of person (as I am) who does not enjoy strict routines, who starts chafing at the bit after a while and wants to rebel against sameness or rigidity, but you still like to see results from your efforts, you get to decide what’s a win for you. If you make your bed 3 days out of 7, you get to decide if that’s a win. What was that month like? How often did you do it before tracking? Maybe next month, 4 days out of 7.

Your habit tracker should serve you and not make you its slave — unless, say, taking life-saving meds is something you track. It’s about clarity, motivation, and information. Have compassion and allow yourself to be imperfect.

I’ve also found that once a habit becomes ingrained, you can stop tracking it — only add it back to your list if you notice you’ve slacked way off, and you still want to do it.

With enough persistence and learning, anything can become habitual. The four stages of behavior change are:

  • unconscious incompetence — you are unaware that you don’t know how to do something
  • conscious incompetence — you are aware that you don’t know how to do something, and you want to do it
  • conscious competence — you consciously work at doing it, learning, failing, figuring it out
  • unconscious incompetence — you do it automatically and don’t have to think about it any more

Best wishes for 2019!

A tale of recovery: my path from traumatized to healer

I had lunch a few weeks ago with John, someone I’ve known for about 12 years but haven’t seen much in recent years. He commented that I am a very different person now from when he met me, and that would not be apparent to people who hadn’t known me that long.

When we met in 2004 (I think), I seemed troubled to him, and I was. John said that now, I appear to be happy and “like a fountain” (which I love), and he was curious about that.

Other people have said I’ve changed more than anyone they know. Well, that’s probably because I was starting from a more troubled place than most.

So I’m reviewing my path in search of insights to share. This is for you, John, and I know that some of you are interested in recovery from trauma, and some of you are interested in personal growth, so this is for you too.

Continue reading

First day it feels like fall

Right now in Austin, Texas, it’s 61 degrees F. The expected high today is 75. This after weeks and weeks of highs in the upper 90s.

Sometimes we don’t get our first cool front until after the middle of October, so this respite is very welcome.

And this early cool front has brought RAIN. Although this past summer was thankfully not nearly as hot as the one 3 years ago that brought devastating fires, still, this August was so hot and dry, big cracks appeared in the ground around my trailer. It was a task to keep the trees planted last year watered.

gingko leaf

Gingko leaf

I’ve got a massage client at my downtown Austin studio this morning, and then I’m heading back home to honor the change in seasons by planting things: a Canby oak, a gingko tree (so excited to have this prehistoric the that turns yellow in fall!), a mountain laurel shrub, a loquat tree, and several yellow bells and Pride of Barbados flowering shrubs for lasting color and hummingbirds.

Then, I’ll be making my first bone broth of the season, from bones saved over the summer when it was just too hot to simmer anything on the stove for hours.

The change in seasons always brings a change in my energy. I need more sleep. My eating habits change. I feel so energized.

So grateful for change after so much sameness!

 

Resolutions, schmresolutions

It feels natural, at the turning of the year, to review the old year and anticipate the new one. We see what we’d like to do better and how to have more of the life we want.

However, I’ve come to the conclusion that New Year’s resolutions are well-meaning but ineffective, for several reasons:

  • How many people do you actually know who not only remember at year’s end what their resolutions for that year were but can actually say they kept them? (Actually, I am one. See my recent post on meditation.)
  • Resolutions are vague and grandiose without planning, commitment, and follow-through. They don’t take into account bad days, bad memories, changing your mind, new information, major life changes, or the lack of motivation that drudgery brings.
  • They presume your idea won’t change all year long. As if we were static beings from one year to the next except for this one thing we want to change!

If you’ve set resolutions before and failed to keep them, why not try something else?

  • Make sure your resolution is something in your control. Unfortunately, world peace takes a lot of cooperation! But you could resolve to take a class on conflict resolution, or practice a peaceful meditation technique, or volunteer with a peace organization.
  • Chunk it down. Fifteen minutes a day of practice on a musical instrument will make a huge difference at the end of a year. Or make it for a shorter period of time. And…just because it is a new year doesn’t mean resolutions have to be for the whole year! Some things just don’t take that long. You could learn to salsa and be ready to go clubbing in way less than a year, I imagine.
  • Make it fun. If you don’t look forward to it, what’s going to keep you motivated?

That said, my mind has been full of things I’d like to do in 2013:

  • get good enough on the pennywhistle to join a jam session without embarrassing myself
  • learn to balance for 10 seconds in handstand away from the wall
  • get massage or acupuncture frequently
  • build a steady clientele for my massage practice and earn a certain amount
  • solve car problem (repair old car or get a newer one)
  • read more
  • write down creative ideas
  • take tango lessons
  • join a regular group meditation
  • listen to Brane Power CDs every day for a month
  • do the candida diet for the month of January
  • be awake and present as much as possible

It’s nice to have these noted and public. At the end of 2013, we’ll see which I actually did! I am curious too!