Tag Archives: attention

Reframing insomnia as a gift

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Sometimes it seems like there aren’t enough hours in the day.

When you have days like that AND you have insomnia keeping you awake at night, maybe the insomnia is a gift.

When I experience insomnia, I wake up in the dark with a busy mind, thoughts passing through — sometimes zooming through — usually after 4 am when I’ve gotten maybe 5 hours of decent sleep but would prefer 7.

I don’t even look at the clock any more.

Insomnia seems like a big nuisance. A good night’s sleep is most restorative for how well I function the next day. I desire that.

What I’ve been doing recently when I awaken too early is work with my mind, or rather, my awareness.

To distinguish them, the mind thinks thoughts. Awareness is silent and larger. It’s more like a field that includes your mind, body, and the perceptions of your senses: sounds, sights, smells, tastes, body sensations, and thoughts.

I can think thoughts (think think think = mind), and I’m totally in that experience. I am being thought. I can also choose to think thoughts.

I can observe that I am thinking thoughts (my mind is thinking thoughts = awareness), and it’s one step removed from thinking.

When I awaken with insomnia, it seems that my mind is thinking thoughts involuntarily.

But is it?

Because I can also direct my attention to become aware not just that I’m thinking but aware of my body, of sensations.

Sometimes when my monkey mind is racing, it’s a struggle to find enough space between the thoughts to jump off that moving train, but with continued intent to sense into my body, it happens.

(I remember the first time years ago that I jumped off the fast-moving train of thoughts. I was scared and didn’t know what would happen. I somersaulted into darkness and never landed. It was so peaceful!)

Sensations are always available, and plunging into the experience of sensations from the experience of thinking is like entering a different reality.

It’s slower and calmer, like standing in calm water after being on hot, dry land.

What I experience in the sensory state is interesting. The other night, after switching my attention from thinking to body awareness, I got an image of three parallel wavy lines rising off my body and leaving.

When I woke too early this morning, after I switched to my felt sense, I became aware of an area in my abdomen that was roughly round, about 8 inches in diameter and an inch or so thick, that felt a bit denser than the surrounding area.

I stayed with the sensation. The area moved down, spread out, and became less dense.

Maybe it was my greater omentum, which is a little-known, very cool organ that can move around in the abdomen and hug whatever organ needs it.

In these cases, my brainwaves had probably shifted to theta, the irrational state that we pass through on our way into sleep. So what happens may not make sense.

I don’t believe that makes it any less “real”. There are many ways of perceiving.

“Theta waves are the dominant frequency in healing, high creative states, remembering emotional experiences (good and bad), memory retrieval, and encoding new memories into thoughts,” explains communication pathologist and cognitive neuroscientist Caroline Leaf, Ph.D., author of Cleaning Up Your Mental Mess.

“Theta wave pattern activity highlights the interaction that happens between the conscious and nonconscious mind as we think deeply,” says Leaf. “This is a pattern that we want to see in our brain because it reflects improving mind management.”

The gift is that after tuning into my body and staying with it, my mind becomes calm — and I go back to sleep.

Insomnia over.

Self-healing starts with intention

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My intent when starting today’s Biodynamic Meditation was to keep my attention focused more on my sensation, with little distraction from my monkey mind.

It worked.

Intention is so powerful. It’s like making a promise to yourself and then honoring it.

Continue reading →

Every human has a central energy channel

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“We are exploring what we’re exploring with.” ~ Gabrielle Roth

I’ve been looking for an image showing the central energy channel through which the Tide flows in Biodynamic Meditation (and Craniosacral Biodynamics). (This post is one in a series of posts on practicing Biodynamic Meditation, on Instagram, this blog, and Facebook.)

This one is closer to what I experience than most of the images.

There are maps…and then there’s the territory, conceptual information and felt experience.

IMO, we need maps to show us where we’re going. The territory is what we’re exploring.

In yoga anatomy, the sushumna nadi is the channel that connects the crown of the head to the pelvic floor.

Continue reading →

Biodynamic Meditation, Day 57

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I slept from 10:30pm until about 5:30am. When I woke, I was comfortable lying in bed and not ready to get up, although my mind was active.

So I listened to a Yoga Nidra (yogic sleep, or non-sleep deep rest) recording on YouTube.

The best Yoga Nidra recording I’ve found so far is I AM Yoga Nidra by Liam Gillen, 38:41.

He guides you to relax deeply using breathing, intention, awareness of sensations, attention to chakras, stilling the mind, deepening awareness.

Sort of like what I’m doing in my Biodynamic Meditations (although he skips the Tide).

It’s teaching me more about how to teach. My session this morning was deeper after listening to his Yoga Nidra.

Continue reading →

Nearing the end of trauma recovery: confidence and agency

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One aspect of recovering from PTSD is not knowing when or if your trauma response will be activated again.

(Some people don’t like the word “triggered” and prefer to say “activated”. I’m using that term now to be more neutral. If a gun was involved in someone’s trauma, to say “triggered” in itself could be activating.)

I recently had an experience that really showed me how much progress I have made in trauma recovery, and I want to share it here in case you or someone you care about is struggling with PTSD recovery. It may give you/them confidence in the healing process.

But first, some background.

I’ve had an extreme stress response activated several times years after doing a lot of work on trauma recovery, which was many years after my childhood trauma.

These stress responses always seemed to happen out of the blue…as once again, the rug was pulled out from under my feet, and I lost my ground and was sent spinning, not knowing which way was up or down.

It’s pretty miserable to be flooded with stress hormones just because something happened in the present that in some way reminded me of the original trauma. The threat seems very real at the time.

However, I’d like to make it clear that each time I went into a stress response, I learned something. I wasn’t entirely helpless.

The most important learning was to check the situation out: just because my body and mind were all jacked up in response to an apparent immediate threat to my safety doesn’t mean there was an actual immediate threat to my safety.

I did some simple critical thinking. Am I safe in this very moment?

I was safe. No one was directly threatening me or my loved ones.

My perceptions played a trick on me because the original trauma was wired into my nervous system. That’s what PTSD is.

Even though I was grateful to be safe, I still had to deal with the cascade of stress chemicals.

When that happened, I tended to hole up by myself because I felt toxic and didn’t want to spread the toxicity. I did more self-nurturing than usual, taking soothing baths, skin brushing, giving myself manicures and pedicures and facials, listening to soothing music or recordings (Pema Chodron is great, also anything funny), taking naps and getting plenty of sleep, wearing soft fabrics, eating healthy, drinking endless cups of camomile tea.

I listened to guided meditations because it was so difficult to calm my monkey mind down when I tried doing my usual silent meditations.

My acupuncturist at the time said I had adrenal fatigue and recommended taking rhodiola and ginseng. After the first few times of being activated, I sought a Somatic Experiencing practitioner who helped me a lot.

My usual behavior was more go-go-go, hmmm, must be nice to have time for that stuff.

Was I addicted to stress? Did that make my stress response worse? I don’t know.

I made time to slow down and nurture myself and came to appreciate these activities when not activated.

I noticed that each time my trauma response was activated, it took less time to return to normal than before. The first time I was activated, it took three full months. The second time, about six weeks. The most recent, about a week.

And then just a few days ago, this happened:

I woke as I often do about 4 am. I laid in bed, in the dark, and my mind made its way back to a memory associated with the original trauma.

I started to feel activated. My back felt prickly and I felt agitated and a little panicky, like I need to do something! Now!

I realized I was at the beginning of a stress response. For the first time, it happened mildly and slowly enough that I was conscious of it beginning.

I did not want to go into a full-blown stress response.

I stopped thinking about the original trauma and brought my attention to my body, curled up safe in my bed, under the covers with my favorite pillow in the dark, in the present moment.

And the agitation and panic and chemical cascade just stopped. It seems like it took less than a minute to feel fully back to my safe and healthy self.

It seemed marvelous to me that I stopped being retraumatized simply by using my mind constructively.

I later told this to my colleague who’s helped me with trauma recovery bodywork, and he said I had agency.

Yes. I was not helpless, which seems to be a hallmark of traumatic experience. I could do something about it because I was conscious of the onset, able to distinguish present from past, able to direct my attention, and I knew what I wanted — safety and peace, not activation.

Also, there may have been some energetic guidance helping, but I don’t know for sure.

I do recall recently voicing what so many trauma survivors experience: How does one ever know that one has fully recovered from a trauma? How can one know there are no more flashbacks, no more activations?

I can’t know for sure, but this feels like a huge step forward in the direction of being free from reactivation.

How sleep affects the immune system

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Quality and length of sleep affect the immune system. If you don’t get enough sleep or enough good quality sleep, you’re more likely to get sick from a virus, and it can slow your recovery.

While you sleep, your innate immune system releases cytokines (interferons, interleukins, growth factors). Some cytokines protect you from infectious illness, and lack of sleep reduces production. Antibody production, part of the adaptive immune system, also decreases due to sleep deprivation.

So get enough sleep (adults generally need 7-8 hours), and get good quality sleep to keep your immune system working well.

We can check in with ourselves when we wake each morning (always a good idea) to see if we feel rested or not. This is the biggest indicator of “enough good sleep,” but you may be wondering how to measure quality sleep.

Measuring Sleep

I wear a Fitbit watch that monitors my sleep through movement (rolling over) and heart rate variability. Every morning when I wake up, I first tune into how rested I feel. Then I look at my sleep stats. I aim to get at least 7 hours, and I usually do.

Time asleep matters. I know I do best if I get 7 to 7.5 hours. I’m not using an alarm, so I let myself sleep as long as I want. I often awaken early but keep still with my eyes shut to see if I can go back to sleep, and I usually do.

I imagine lots of people are doing that while sheltering in place.

Fitbit measures sleep quality by duration and percent time spent in each of the three levels of sleep: light sleep, deep sleep, and REM sleep. It also measures how often I awaken during the night. From all that, Fitbit creates a sleep score. I hope to get 90 or better, but usually my score is in the upper 80s. I’m working on it!

We sleep in cycles of about 90 minutes, cycling between light sleep and deep sleep during the first part of the night, and cycling between light sleep and REM sleep in the later part of the night. We also awaken briefly, or for longer, multiple times during the night, usually about 5 percent.

We spend about 50 percent of total sleep time in light sleep. Our temperature drops. Our heart rate and breathing slow. Our muscles relax and may jerk. We can be awakened more easily.

We spend about 20 percent in deep sleep. Getting enough deep sleep is connected to feeling rested in the morning. It’s restorative. Our brainwaves slow way down. Our brain actually cleans itself during this stage. Tissue growth and cell repair take place. Blood pressure drops, and blood flow to muscles increases. It’s more difficult to awaken from deep sleep.

REM sleep takes up about 25 percent of sleep time. We dream during REM sleep, even if we don’t remember dreaming. The brain wave pattern of REM sleep is closer to wakefulness. This stage is where memory consolidation, problem-solving, and learning occur. Respiration and heart rate increase. Brain activity is high. The body becomes immobile to keep us from acting out our dreams (usually).

Sleep patterns change with age. As we get older we usually get less deep sleep. Some older adults take longer to fall asleep, spend less time in REM sleep, and wake more often during the night. Sleep may begin earlier in the evening, with waking occurring earlier in the morning.

Anxiety Affects Sleep

It’s especially relevant that the anxiety so many are experiencing because of the COVID pandemic may be robbing us of good quality sleep when we really, really need it.

We may be anxious about getting sick or about our loved ones following health guidelines or getting sick. We may be anxious about hospitals being overwhelmed.

Personal finances may have drastically declined.

For some, food and shelter and peaceful co-existence with others in the home are major issues.

Uncertainty about how long this pandemic could last, how long it may take the economy to recover, politics nearly everywhere, mixed messages from medical experts and politicians can keep us awake at night.

How can you improve the quality of your sleep in the time of corona? There are a lot of ways, and I’d love to hear what works for you.

For me, when dealing with my own anxiety, I recognize that it’s in my mind and it’s about the future. These are thoughts that may or may not happen. I realize how fortunate I am to have a home, food, family nearby, friends, and enough income to know I won’t starve.

And then I bring my attention to my body. I notice my breathing. I notice sensations, of textures and temperature and weight, of muscle tension and relaxation, of discomfort. I try to feel my heart beating in my chest.

It’s very calming and helps me fall asleep quickly. Turning off my mind like this took some practice.

What Helps Me Get a Good Night’s Sleep

I am admittedly not a person who loves routine. I don’t have much of a bedtime routine. I don’t put my screens away an hour before bed, but I do stay away from disturbing news late in the day.

I get tired anywhere between 9:30 pm and 12:30 am, though those are extremes. I usually go to bed about 11.

  • I use a sleep mask because some light leaks in through my curtains.
  • I don’t drink caffeine after 1 pm.
  • I put together a playlist of binaural beats for delta brain waves (deep sleep), and I listen to that using headphones sometimes. (Honestly, I’m not sure it makes much difference.)
  • I get some exercise every day, whether it’s taking a yoga class online, participating in ecstatic dance online, or simply walking. According to the National Sleep Foundation, even light exercise like a 10-minute walk can improve sleep quality.
  • I get outside and get some sunlight every day, unless it’s raining. Morning sun on my skin feels great and gives me more Vitamin D, which helps immunity.
  • I sleep with my bedroom on the cool side.
  • I use a weighted blanket.
  • I often drink a cup of bone broth in the evening, and I take my magnesium in the evening.
  • I take two supplements, both from Premier Research Labs, with whom I have a practitioner account. Tranquinol is a capsule that improves deep sleep, and Melatonin-ND is a liquid that improves REM sleep.

What helps you sleep better?

Catching Up on Austin COVID Stats

Austin implemented sheltering in place on March 24, so today, April 7, is Day 14.

You may have read in the news about the 70 UT students who chartered a plan to Baja California for spring break and took commercial flights back. Forty-nine of them have tested positive as of 3 days ago.

Zip code 78705, the area west and north of UT that houses many students, has 55 verified cases, the most of any zip code in the county. The 20-29 age group still has the highest number of cases of any age group in the area. It’s a younger city demographically.

Here are our stats (source: http://www.austintexas.gov/covid19):

Staying grounded + phone sessions

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Love in the time of coronavirus

Dear readers, I hope you are staying grounded during this time of uncertainty and fear. I recommend going outside in your bare feet and walking around on some grass, as often as you need.

Feel your feet sink slightly into the earth with each step. Enjoy the temperature, textures, and other sensations in your feet.

Imagine this connection with Mother Earth moving up your legs, into your torso, touching all of your tissues, permeating all of your cells, and leaving your body through the crown of your head.

You are connecting to earth and to heaven! This energetic experience is about being fully alive in the present moment. It’s a renewing and restorative antidote for upsetting news, conflict on social media, fears for ourselves and our loved ones, worry about our uncertain futures.

Texas bluebonnets blooming in my yard

Phone sessions

After checking with other craniosacral therapists, I’m changing the name of my new online service to Phone Sessions. Bear with me as I navigate this rapid change…

Quite a few CST practitioners are adamant that working remotely is not craniosacral therapy. (Plus the words “remote” and “distance” counter the connection we make, even when we’re not in each other’s physical presence. “Phone” connotes connecting with each other, but not physically. That’s exactly what we’ll be doing.)

This attitude is coming both from those who are Upledger-trained and those who are biodynamics trained.

I’ve trained in both, and I’ve trained in Reiki, which can be done at a distance.

In my ninth year of offering bodywork, I can only say that when I work, everything I’ve ever trained in and experienced while working informs my work. What I’m using at any given moment is what’s in the forefront of my awareness.

That could be what I’m sensing in my body, what I’m sensing in your body, what I’m sensing in our blended energy fields, where your body-mind system draws my attention and hands, changes I notice during a session. “The work” flows through me, and through you.

A few years ago, it became clear to me that I could not do bodywork without also being aware of my energy, your energy, the energy in the room, and the power of intent to influence energy.

This may sound woo-woo to some, but for me, energy is real and can be sensed, usually as subtle sensations, but sometimes not so subtle. It is described in the ancient traditions, yoga, meditation, Qi gong, shamanism, Chinese medicine, and Ayurveda.

We have energy centers and channels in our bodies. We have awareness. We have intent.

Anyway. Other practitioners are calling it energy work, remote healing, distance sessions, shamanic energetics, etc.

I prefer Phone Sessions. Clear and simple and not too woo-woo.

I stay on the phone with you during sessions, even though there will be some periods of silence during the call that allow “the work” to go deeper.

We can use speakerphone. I want you to feel free to share what’s coming up for you in real time, if you wish, and of course, you can also wait to share your experience for the end of the session.

I’m offering the first session for free: https://maryannreynolds.as.me/phonesessions

If you receive a benefit, schedule another session and pay what you can or what you wish via Venmo or PayPal.

Some people are unaffected financially by this slowdown, and others have quickly become destitute. I leave it to you to determine what is an honorable amount that you feel clear and good about. No need for guilt or shame, please!

I’ve run into this issue before: if you absolutely hate to hear “pay what you can or wish”, here are some numbers to make you happy. My regular rate is $100 an hour. If you can afford it, great. If not, sliding scale is $20 on up. If that’s not affordable, let’s talk about bartering or paying it forward.

Once you’ve received a session, you can gift sessions to others. I prefer that they know and consent to doing this and are open to quietly receiving at the given time, whether we connect on the phone or not if they are sick.

This is not a substitute for medical attention. It is not a cure for the coronavirus, nor will it make you immune. I believe it can give you more resilience, but you may not notice anything. That’s why I’m offering the first session for free, so you can find out.

What would that feel like in your body and in your mind, to be more resilient?

Please let me know if you have any questions. Call 512-507-4184 or schedule a phone consultation: https://maryannreynolds.as.me/15mphoneconsult

Orienting to space

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Not too long ago, I posted Orienting to stillness, orienting to motion, providing some options for people who are interested in exploring awareness. Today I want to share some experiences with orienting to space.

First, a little backtracking. Starting in 2010, I wrote here about the 12 states of attention (and also here), which I learned from Nelson Zink on his website Navaching (which also included instructions for night walking).

Reading his book of stories The Structure of Delight is an experience I highly recommend. It’s like no other book you’ve encountered, and if you’re interested in acquiring wisdom from a bunch of interesting characters, you’ll enjoy it.

(If you don’t want to click the links about the 12 states, here’s a summary: We primarily use our visual, auditory, and kinesthetic senses. Our experience can be subdivided into narrow and broad. For instance, a broad auditory state would be listening to the whole orchestra playing, while a narrow auditory state would be singling out the oboe in the orchestra. These states can be further divided into external and internal. An external visual state is seeing your environment with your eyes, while an internal one is imagining or remembering something. The image below shows the 12 states.) Continue reading →

Developing attentional flexibility: the 12 states of attention

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I just took four more days of training in biodynamic craniosacral therapy, and what I learned about practicing it has made me want to revisit the 12 states of attention.

Attentional flexibility is a skill that has many uses. Here’s an example: Someone has a chronic pain in their left leg, sciatica. Let’s say the person is seeking professional help in the field of alternative medicine and doesn’t want to take painkillers or see surgery as a solution, but meanwhile, there’s the pain, which can be wearisome, frustrating, and debilitating.

What if the person could transform the pain felt specifically in the left leg by diffusing it all over their body, so there was less pain spread more widely?

What if the person could then move the pain out to the skin, and then outside of their body?

What if the person could find a place on their body that was not feeling any pain and focus their attention fully on that place? What would happen to the pain?

What if the pain had a color or sound, and it changed to a healing color or sound?

These are examples of attentional flexibility, which can be a useful skill not only in managing pain, but also for dealing with any kind of state that we’d rather not be experiencing – depressive thoughts, negative self-talk, any kind of “stuckness”.

Attentional flexibility may not be a “permanent” solution to some problems, but it can create a sense of spaciousness around problems, provide options, and allow one to have a broader experience of life.

In biodynamic craniosacral therapy, a practitioner can use attentional flexibility to bring attention to his/her own body and specific sensations of biological and energetic processes, to his/her connection with the client, to the client’s processes, to the unit of client/practitioner, to the space inside the room, out to the horizon and beyond, to intuitive thoughts that arise, and more.

Attentional flexibility can be learned by practicing the 12 states of attention. For more, read my original post on the 12 states from October 2010.

What to do when you think you’re getting sick

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When I first think I might be getting sick, it’s because I’ve noticed a sudden drop in my energy level. I feel fatigued when I normally don’t. Fatigue usually precedes any other symptoms.

The best thing I can do is to stop activity right away and rest. Get still. If I’m at work, I go home. If I’m driving, I head toward home. Then I get in bed and lie still.

Once in bed, I bring my attention to my whole body. I feel my weight. I feel my skin, my breathing, my energy. I feel gratitude for my body for all the amazing, complex, behind-the-scenes work it is constantly doing that I take for granted. I appreciate my immune system.

Then I usually read and take a nap.

My rationale is that by not placing energetic demands on my body and giving it appreciation, respect, and love, I am giving my immune system all the resources it needs to do its job and nip the virus in the bud.

Often I am back on my feet in a few hours, half a day, or a day. I don’t push myself into activity until my energy feels fully restored. I keep checking in with my body.

Sometimes I want to ignore the warning signs because it isn’t convenient to stop everything and rest.

That’s when I actually get sick.

Then I consume lots of Vitamin C. I love grapefruit juice (not too sweet, loaded with Vitamin C), and Emergen-C is a product handy to keep on hand for just those times.

I drink extra water to flush toxins out of my body and avoid sugar, which weakens my immune system.

I still make mistakes, though. Several weeks ago, I started having sneezing fits. I now realize that’s the first sign that my body is reacting to pollen in the air. This usually only happens in fall and spring when it’s windy and dry.

If I had decided to stay indoors after the second sneezing fit and take Histaminum hydrochloricum, I probably would have been okay. I’m noting that for next time I have sneezing fits. Also, I will use my neti pot (with water that’s been boiled first, of course).

Instead, I got full-blown allergy symptoms a few hours after the first sneezing fit: super-sensitive nasal passages, sinus drainage, and sore throat, with a feeling of inflammation in my nose and throat.

Even though acupuncture helped relieve the allergy symptoms, every time I went outside, I was re-exposed to the allergens, and it overwhelmed my immune system. I got a sinus infection.

More acupuncture and lots of Vitamin C helped me get over that without resorting to antibiotics. I feel very grateful for that.